Breaking News:
Saturday, Dec 21, 2024
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — Supreme Court hand puppet Clarence Thomas has been hospitalized to remove his wife Ginni Thomas’ elbow deep forearm from his anus. Though the Thomas family and doctors have declined to explain how her hand got up there, observers have long speculated that Ginny used this opening to control and prop up the […]
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QUEENS, NEW YORK — After the shuttering of McDonald’s restaurants in Russia due to the country’s invasion of Ukraine, president Vladimir Putin has made a desperate plea to other fast food chains to fill Russia’s empty food courts and bus stations. While this plea fell on mostly deaf ears, Queens-based McDowell’s burgers has answered the call.
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IRVING TEXAS — As gas prices continue to soar, even executives at major oil companies are starting to feel the pinch. Reports have surfaced that executives at Exxon-Mobil, Chevron, and Shell are opting to heat their homes by burning briefcases full of cash instead of heating oil. “People are starting to blame us for the […]
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IRPIN, UKRAINE — After multiple days of shelling, airstrikes, and cyber-warfare, Russian forces have managed to surround a 24-hour gas station on the outskirts of Kyiv and are demanding that the attendant hand over all snacks, fuel, hand-warmers, candy and maps within the store.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Two weeks into his unprovoked invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin’s forces remain plagued by logistical problems as they slog towards the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv. Initially hoping for a swift victory with minimal resistance, Putin is reportedly furious with the slow progress and fierce defense stymying his forces.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — At a contentious press conference this morning, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin reminded reporters that the sole purpose of his invasion of the Ukraine was to ‘liberate them from their freedom’. He repeated his claims that Ukrainians were Russians and that the population was grateful that he had sent in the Russia military.
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LOS ANGELES, CA – It has been another tough season for Hollywood after a tumultuous year of COVID-19 and the Russo-Ukraine War, but now the seemingly scandal-proof genre of post-apocalyptic blockbusters is feeling the squeeze. Once considered a safe haven for escapism, ‘end-of-the-world’ films have become all too real for many viewers. With increasingly powerful […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — What started as rumors whispered between interns in the Russell Senate Office Building, have turned into a full on haunting after repeated ghost sightings in the Senate elevator. Several insiders claim staffers are on edge after numerous reports of a ghostly, corpse-like figure floating through the halls of the historic government building. […]
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MENLO PARK, CA – In the midst of a slew of crises, Facebook has officially changed its name in an attempt to rebrand itself due to the increased scrutiny of its public image. At the conference Facebook revealed its new name to be “Company with No Relation to Mark Zuckerberg”, which many see as a way of distancing itself from its embattled CEO Mark Zuckerberg who still runs and owns a voting majority in the company.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — The Russian government division responsible for silencing liabilities and enemies of the state is in the midst of its busiest season to date. The semi-secret Kremlin agency that sends assassins overseas to murder Putin critics is reportedly unable to keep up with the growing list of targets marked for termination. Several employees […]
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LONDON, ENGLAND — Shortly after the arrest of a hobo-like Julian Assange, the Wikileaks founder’s cat has requested extradition from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Mr. Assange and his cat, Pee Pee Leaks, had been squatting in a small room in the embassy since 2012 after being granted asylum by the then Ecuadorian president Rafael […]
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EL PASO, TX — As the fight for Trump’s concrete US border wall intensifies, the current invisible wall has continued to quietly repel dozens of criminal pantomines attempting to illegally enter the country. Customs and border surveillance cameras have captured numerous bands of the silent invaders, dressed in striped black and white tights, met by […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — After much heated debate, construction has finally begun on an impenetrable wall of ignorance that will soon enshroud the Republican party. Once complete, party members say they will be safe from ideas of liberty, civil rights, social justice, and truth. Although the penetration of such concepts have slowed to a mere trickle […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — With his tumultuous confirmation behind him, newly appointed Justice Brett Kavanaugh has finally begun his transition to the Supreme Court. After weeks of allegations of sexually inappropriate behavior and protests throughout the country, Kavanaugh has said he is excited to begin work stripping women of their civil rights. Several landmark cases lie […]
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HOUSTON, TEXAS — After the recent Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v Wade, and the continued passage of laws meant to subjugate women in Texas, Oklahoma, Florida and, Kentucky, many female residents are simply moving to neighboring states that still allow them to maintain autonomy over their bodies. At first celebrating the exodus, many […]
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ATLANTA, GA — In a stunning move by Georgia Republicans who continue to push false claims of voter fraud, state senators approved moving the last polling booth in a minority majority district to the peak of a previously undiscovered ice covered mountain shrouded in darkness, in the heart of Democratic stronghold Fulton county. While the […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Under fire for their continued inaction after the 310th mass shooting of the year, Republican leadership has decided to take a new approach to managing these all too common occurrences. Several top Senators are believed to be working on a proposal that could greatly reduce the number of mass shootings by redefining […]
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WASHINGTON, DC – Doubling down on their assertion that the “Boos” heard during last night’s telecast of the World Series were not meant to insult the President, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham claims many of the 41,000 in attendance at Nationals Park were simply making ghostly sounds in honor of Halloween. Immediately after the […]
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