IRVING TEXAS — As gas prices continue to soar, even executives at major oil companies are starting to feel the pinch. Reports have surfaced that executives at Exxon-Mobil, Chevron, and Shell are opting to heat their homes by burning briefcases full of cash instead of heating oil.
“People are starting to blame us for the spiking gas prices, but we are suffering just like everyone else,” claimed Exxon-Mobil CEO Darren Woods as he threw another wad of $100 bills onto the fire, “Gas prices are so high and we have more cash than we know what to do with, so the economics really make sense.”
The same sentiment holds true across the industry as oil executives struggle to heat their resort homes in the tail end of winter.
“Do you have any idea how much it costs to heat a 40,000-square-foot pied de terre in south Florida?” complained Chevron CEO Michael Wirth, “I had to order two additional truckloads of cash on top of the three daily truckloads of profits that normally come to my house.”
While the GOP and oil companies have been quick to blame the Russo-Ukraine War for the rising gas prices, experts have been quick to point out that profits for these oil companies have reached record levels since the war began.
“This is not inflation, this is price gouging,” said MIT-based energy economist Topper Wilson, “The major oil companies are reaping record profits on the backs of the average American consumer.”
Despite these accusations, oil executives strongly deny exploiting the war and continue to blame the Biden administration. “Yesterday, it cost me $250,000 to grill a $500 steak for my dog,” said one disgruntled executive, “If this keeps up, I’ll may be forced to use wind power to propel my yacht.”