FEATURED
Politics
Sources Say Lewandowski Already Setting His Sights on Markwayne Mullin
WASHINGTON, DC — Barely hours after the firing of his jilted former lover Kristi Noem, sources inside Washington say Corey Lewandowski has already moved on,...
Officials Say Barron Trump Must Remain Stateside to Retrieve the Folder Labeled “Other People’s Kids”
WASHINGTON, DC — Senior administration officials confirmed Tuesday that Barron Trump will be unable to serve in the military due to his “critical domestic responsibilities,”...
Trump Vows to Ramble Incoherently On All Topics Unrelated to the State or the Union in Historic State of the Union Address
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — President Trump today announced that this year’s State of the Union will feature an ambitious departure from tradition: absolutely no mention of...
Noem Orders $70 Million Luxury Jet for “Ummm… Deportations”
WASHINGTON, DC — Amid growing criticism of her leadership style, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem has reportedly approved the purchase of another $70 million luxury private...
Entertainment
Technology
Users Report Grok Keeps Steering Conversations Toward “Maturity” and “Old Souls” and Asking if Parents Are ‘Home Right Now’
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Users across the X are raising concerns after Grok, the AI chatbot marketed as “edgy,” “unfiltered,” and “definitely not weird,” reportedly...
Amazon Warehouse Robots Throw Surprise Party for Last Human Supervisor Leaving the Building
DAYTON, OH — In a touching display of programmed emotion, Amazon’s fully...
SPORTS
USA Hockey Players Report Gold Medal Slightly Heavier Due to the Kash Patel Dangling From It
MILAN, ITALY — The gold medal was already heavy. That was the point. Forged to symbolize decades of heartbreak, redemption,...
RFK Jr. and Kid Rock Announce Bipartisan Fitness Initiative After Ripping Rails off Toilet Seats in Matching Denim Gym Suits
NASHVILLE, TN — Flanked by two aggressively mirrored squat racks and what appeared to be a bathroom attendant serving electrolyte...
USA Hockey Players Report Gold Medal Slightly Heavier Due to the Kash Patel Dangling From It
MILAN, ITALY — The gold medal was already heavy. That was the point. Forged to symbolize decades of heartbreak, redemption, and slap shots off the...
RFK Jr. and Kid Rock Announce Bipartisan Fitness Initiative After Ripping Rails off Toilet Seats in Matching Denim Gym Suits
NASHVILLE, TN — Flanked by two aggressively mirrored squat racks and what appeared to be a bathroom attendant serving electrolyte shots out of Dixie cups,...
25th Winter Olympics Commence With 25th Explanation of What Curling Is
MILAN, ITALY — The 25th Winter Olympics officially opened this week with the lighting of the torch, the parade of nations, and the now-traditional global...
NBA Announces James Harden Has Entered “Perpetual Trade Consideration” Status
CLEVELAND, OH — The NBA confirmed Tuesday that James Harden has officially entered “Perpetual Trade Consideration” status, following his latest relocation from the Los Angeles...
Trump Orders Troops to Indiana for Not Acknowledging His College National Championship Win
MIAMI, FL —The White House confirmed Monday that President Trump ordered troops into Indiana after state officials failed to formally recognize his claimed victory in...
