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Politics
REPORT: Kash Patel Wanted FBI Tactical Gear to Include Beer Helmets
WASHINGTON, DC — Federal investigators confirmed Tuesday that Kash Patel spent several weeks aggressively lobbying for updated FBI tactical gear to include “standard-issue beer helmets...
Republicans Demand Immediate Investigation Into Suspicious Surge of People Voting Against Them
WASHINGTON, DC — For the third consecutive election cycle, Republicans across the country demanded an immediate federal investigation Tuesday into what party leaders described as...
SCOTUS Deems Witch-Burning Constitutional as Long as Accused Given Opportunity to Confess
WASHINGTON, DC — The Supreme Court ruled Wednesday that witch-burning should be deemed constitutional, provided the accused is given a meaningful opportunity to confess before...
DOJ Charges Comey With Look-Maxxing to Make Presidential Jawline Appear Weak
WASHINGTON, DC — The U.S. Department of Justice on Tuesday announced charges against former FBI director James Comey, alleging he engaged in a coordinated “look-maxxing”...
Entertainment
Technology
Tim Cook to Be Replaced by Near-Identical, More Expensive CEO with a Nicer Camera
CUPERTINO, CA — In a move executives described as “a minor system update,” Tim Cook announced he will step down as CEO of Apple, to...
Palantir Claims Domestic Surveillance is Only Aimed at Finding Future Resistance Leader Who Keeps Sending Back Time-Traveling Soldiers to Disrupt Company Operations
MIAMI, FL —Responding to growing concerns over its expanding data collection practices,...
SPORTS
Reflecting Pool Converted Into Trump-Branded Pickleball Complex
WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists arriving at the National Mall this week were met with the surreal sight of the Lincoln...
NBA Announces Knicks Games Will Now Carry Graphic Content Warnings
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Monday that the remainder of New York Knicks playoff broadcasts will begin with...
Reflecting Pool Converted Into Trump-Branded Pickleball Complex
WASHINGTON, DC — Tourists arriving at the National Mall this week were met with the surreal sight of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool drained, painted...
NBA Announces Knicks Games Will Now Carry Graphic Content Warnings
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Monday that the remainder of New York Knicks playoff broadcasts will begin with a brief graphic content warning...
Tiger Woods Spotted Preparing for Comeback at Drunk Driving Range
JUPITER ISLAND, FL — Golf fans were stunned this week after Tiger Woods was reportedly seen fine-tuning his game at what witnesses described as a...
Guy Who Asked “Is Duke Good?” 3 Days Ago Now Hosting Daily Strategy Meetings on NCAA Tournament Outlook
READING, PA — Three days after asking a coworker if Duke was “one of the better high school teams,” local marketing associate Brian Kelleher has...
NBA Confirms Bam’s 83 Will Be Recorded with Asterisk Reading: ‘Against the Wizards’
NEW YORK, NY — The NBA announced Wednesday that Bam Adebayo’s historic 83-point performance will officially remain in the record books, though league statisticians confirmed...
