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Politics
Viewers Decide They Prefer “Resting Bitch Face” Bondi to “Bitching Without Rest” Face Bondi
WASHINGTON, DC — After what experts are describing as “a historically uninterrupted stream of indignation,” viewers across the country announced this week that they officially...
“Just Be Patient” Says Guy Who Said He’d Fix Everyone’s Problems on Day 1
WASHINGTON, DC — The phrase “just be patient” has recently emerged from the White House like a soothing chant, offered by the same man who...
Lutnick Admits He Visited Epstein’s Pedophile Island, but Only Because the Lunch Buffet Was Too Good to Pass Up
WASHINGTON, DC — In testimony before Congress, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick forcefully denied any involvement in wrongdoing, insisting that reports linking him to Jeffrey Epstein’s...
White House Clarifies Overt Racism Acceptable When Framed in “Whimsical Disney Context”
WASHINGTON, DC — The White House moved swiftly today to clarify its position on racism after President Trump shared an image depicting former President Obama...
Entertainment
Technology
Amazon Warehouse Robots Throw Surprise Party for Last Human Supervisor Leaving the Building
DAYTON, OH — In a touching display of programmed emotion, Amazon’s fully automated fulfillment center in Ohio hosted a surprise farewell party this week for...
CDC Announces Newborns Can Replace Vaccines With “A Lap Around a Gas Station Bathroom”
ATLANTA, GA — In a stunning and thoroughly unscientific reversal of decades...
SPORTS
25th Winter Olympics Commence With 25th Explanation of What Curling Is
MILAN, ITALY — The 25th Winter Olympics officially opened this week with the lighting of the torch, the parade of...
NBA Announces James Harden Has Entered “Perpetual Trade Consideration” Status
CLEVELAND, OH — The NBA confirmed Tuesday that James Harden has officially entered “Perpetual Trade Consideration” status, following his latest...
25th Winter Olympics Commence With 25th Explanation of What Curling Is
MILAN, ITALY — The 25th Winter Olympics officially opened this week with the lighting of the torch, the parade of nations, and the now-traditional global...
NBA Announces James Harden Has Entered “Perpetual Trade Consideration” Status
CLEVELAND, OH — The NBA confirmed Tuesday that James Harden has officially entered “Perpetual Trade Consideration” status, following his latest relocation from the Los Angeles...
Trump Orders Troops to Indiana for Not Acknowledging His College National Championship Win
MIAMI, FL —The White House confirmed Monday that President Trump ordered troops into Indiana after state officials failed to formally recognize his claimed victory in...
Every NFL Team Ending Season With a Loss Immediately Fires Head Coach
BUFFALO, NY — Declaring that “second place is just first place for losers with excuses,” owners across the National Football League reaffirmed this week that...
Aaron Rodgers Says Fans Lack the Football IQ to Appreciate Why He Choked Again
CLEVELAND, OH — In a postgame press conference that lasted longer than the Steelers final drive, Aaron Rodgers patiently explained that the real problem wasn’t...
