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Politics
White House Announces ‘Operation: Look Over There!’ Days Before Epstein Files Hit the Internet
WASHINGTON, DC — In a surprise announcement that White House officials insist is “completely unrelated” to the sudden, upcoming release of the Epstein files, President...
Trump Claims He Only Knew Epstein Socially, Biblically, Geographically, Financially, and Telepathically, But Not Personally
WASHINGTON, DC — In a press conference that reporters immediately described as “a speedrun through every possible explanation except the true one,” President Trump attempted...
Trump’s New Stimulus Plan Will Simply Entail Taxpayers Writing Themselves a $2,000 Check
WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to address prices increases caused by his tariffs, President Trump announced a new stimulus program that completely eliminates government...
Democrats Secure Parking Validation and a Tote Bag in Historic Win for the Party
WASHINGTON, DC — In a triumph party leaders are calling “a testament to incremental progress,” Senate Democrats announced a groundbreaking deal late Monday night that...
Entertainment
Technology
Disney+ Unveils $89 ‘Ad-Free, Content-Free’ Subscription Tier for Subscribers Who Forgot to Cancel
BURBANK, CA — To manage their sagging subscriber numbers, DisneyPlus has announced a brand-new $89 monthly tier designed exclusively for subscribers who forgot to cancel...
Grok Update Adds Ability to Mansplain Even When No One Asked a Question
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Developers at X (formally known as a functioning...
SPORTS
Blue Jays Arrive at World Series Confident They Can Bring Home a Participation Trophy
LOS ANGELES — The Toronto Blue Jays touched down in Los Angeles this week brimming with optimism, insisting they’re “just...
NBA Wonders How Gambling Became Such a Problem After Partnering With Every Gambling Company on Earth
PORTLAND, OR — After the shocking allegations of insider betting that one could have predicted — except literally everyone —...
Blue Jays Arrive at World Series Confident They Can Bring Home a Participation Trophy
LOS ANGELES — The Toronto Blue Jays touched down in Los Angeles this week brimming with optimism, insisting they’re “just happy to be here” and...
NBA Wonders How Gambling Became Such a Problem After Partnering With Every Gambling Company on Earth
PORTLAND, OR — After the shocking allegations of insider betting that one could have predicted — except literally everyone — the NBA is struggling to...
Report: 98% of NBA Players Claim “Best Shape of My Life,” Remaining 2% Are Nikola Jokić
NEW YORK, NY — With the NBA season officially underway, a league-wide report has revealed that an astonishing 98% of players are entering training camp...
BREAKING: Shohei Ohtani Tests Negative for Human DNA
LOS ANGELES — The baseball world was left speechless this week after leaked Major League Baseball lab reports allegedly confirmed what fans have suspected for...
Baseball Analytics Team Announces They’ve Officially Replaced Joy with Data
OAKLAND, CA — In a press conference held entirely in spreadsheets, the Oakland Athletics’ analytics department proudly confirmed this week that they have successfully eliminated...
