WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to provide homophobic Americans with a “safe, traditional alternative” to the increasingly alarming presence of rainbow flags during Pride Month, Republican lawmakers on Tuesday unveiled a new official flag consisting entirely of a single shade of beige.
The flag, dubbed the “Patriot Palette,” was introduced at a press conference held in a conference room decorated exclusively in taupe, khaki, eggshell, oatmeal, and “Freedom Sand.”
“For too long, Americans have been subjected to aggressive displays of color they never consented to seeing,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson while standing before a 30-foot beige banner. “Every June, hardworking families are forced to confront unacceptable combinations of red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Frankly, it’s disgusting.”
The unveiling comes amid the annual outbreak of conservative panic known as Pride Month, during which many Republicans once again found themselves trapped in an endless cycle of spotting rainbows and becoming furious about them.
Sources confirmed that several lawmakers had already spent the first week of June issuing emergency statements regarding rainbow-themed cupcakes, rainbow crosswalks, rainbow trout, rainbow T-shirts, rainbow social media avatars, rainbow coffee sleeves, and, in one particularly troubling incident, an actual rainbow following a thunderstorm.
“It just stopped raining and suddenly it came out of no where. Just hanging there over the highway,” said one visibly shaken activist. “Being gay and woke.”
The beige flag initiative has reportedly been in development for years and was inspired by focus groups consisting of voters who described their ideal society as “less colorful” and “beiger.”
Critics have pointed out that beige itself is technically a color, a revelation that reportedly forced organizers to suspend the launch for several hours while legal teams investigated.
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