WASHINGTON, DC — Following reports that the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool has once again become overrun with algae and peeling paint, President Trump unveiled an ambitious new proposal Tuesday aimed at replacing the water entirely with what administration officials described as “more loyal water.”
Standing beside the murky green pool, Trump assured reporters that the problem was not his renovation efforts, but rather the water itself.
“We put tremendous water in there. The best water. Everybody said it was beautiful,” Trump explained. “Then the water got woke. Very woke. Frankly, it started reflecting things nobody wanted reflected.”
Under the proposal, the existing water would be drained and subjected to an intensive vetting process before being replaced by a carefully screened supply of “chemicals inhospitable to organic life.”
“We can no longer allow radicalized moisture to infiltrate our nation’s most important reflecting infrastructure,” said one senior official. “This water will be committed to reflecting only the finest things about America.”
According to Trump, years of unchecked algae exposure combined with direct sunlight had gradually caused the Reflecting Pool’s water to become “extremely woke,” with some reportedly registering to vote blue before being removed from the voter rolls during routine maintenance.
The replacement process is expected to cost taxpayers $87 million, with an additional $43 million allocated for a newly created Department of Water, an extension of the Mar-a-Lago maintenance team.
Experts remain skeptical. Several hydrologists noted that water generally lacks political affiliation.
Political analysts say the water replacement effort reflects Trump’s belief that every problem can ultimately be solved through the careful installation of sufficiently loyal sycophants, regardless of whether those sycophants are human beings or liquid.
The White House dismissed those concerns.
“That’s exactly what the disloyal water wants you to think,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt.
