Breaking News:
Friday, Apr 19, 2024
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the […]
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IRPIN, UKRAINE — After multiple days of shelling, airstrikes, and cyber-warfare, Russian forces have managed to surround a 24-hour gas station on the outskirts of Kyiv and are demanding that the attendant hand over all snacks, fuel, hand-warmers, candy and maps within the store.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Two weeks into his unprovoked invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin’s forces remain plagued by logistical problems as they slog towards the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv. Initially hoping for a swift victory with minimal resistance, Putin is reportedly furious with the slow progress and fierce defense stymying his forces.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — At a contentious press conference this morning, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin reminded reporters that the sole purpose of his invasion of the Ukraine was to ‘liberate them from their freedom’. He repeated his claims that Ukrainians were Russians and that the population was grateful that he had sent in the Russia military.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — The Russian government division responsible for silencing liabilities and enemies of the state is in the midst of its busiest season to date. The semi-secret Kremlin agency that sends assassins overseas to murder Putin critics is reportedly unable to keep up with the growing list of targets marked for termination. Several employees […]
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LONDON, ENGLAND — Shortly after the arrest of a hobo-like Julian Assange, the Wikileaks founder’s cat has requested extradition from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Mr. Assange and his cat, Pee Pee Leaks, had been squatting in a small room in the embassy since 2012 after being granted asylum by the then Ecuadorian president Rafael […]
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EL PASO, TX — As the fight for Trump’s concrete US border wall intensifies, the current invisible wall has continued to quietly repel dozens of criminal pantomines attempting to illegally enter the country. Customs and border surveillance cameras have captured numerous bands of the silent invaders, dressed in striped black and white tights, met by […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — In a surprise move that pushed the limits of his cover, Russian operative Mitkh Mikkonilov was able to single-handedly defeat two election security bills that were brought before the Senate. Familiarly known by his cover identity, Mitch McConnell, Mikkonilov has quietly climbed the political ranks to become the Senate Majority Leader. During […]
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LONDON, UK — Newly appointed UK Prime Minster Boris Johnson has already begun work on a plan to explain why he was unable to oversee a successful Brexit. While many in Parliament had hoped the father of Brexit would come with a detailed solution to the complexities of leaving the EU, Johnson instead ordered his […]
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BEIJING, CHINA — As Trump’s trade war with China escalates, a White House in chaos in examining any option to end the conflict without appearing weak. On Monday, Trump threatened to begin opening and bankrupting Trump-branded businesses in China, a move that has could potentially cost the Chinese billions. After a New York Times article […]
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SAVANNAH, GA — Among the dozens of Georgia rapists gathered around the television at Savannah Correctional Facility, few could hold back their excitement when the announcement was broadcast. Governor Brian Kemp(R-GA) had just signed a bill virtually banning abortions in the state even in cases of rape, incest, and child molestation. “A lot of the […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — In a two-hour Earth Day celebration speech on the White House lawn today, President Trump did not make a single mention of Earth. Instead, the president sung the praises of each of the other seven planets in our solar system and repeatedly spoke about what a great job they are doing. The […]
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PARIS, FRANCE — As clashes between protestors and French police continue, some are calling to question the suppression tactics being employed as images surface of protestors being beaten by stale baguette and dusted by weaponized pepper mills. During the recent “yellow vest” protests, multiple outlets report the use of extremely brutal tactics, by French standards, […]
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BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA — As the G20 Summit draws to a close, the closing dance often generates the most excitement among the leaders of the world’s twenty most powerful nations. With no scheduled meetings, dignitaries are free to mingle and chat without an agenda or time crunch while snacking on an international cultural buffet and […]
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SAN YSIDRO, CA — Despite his father’s objections, insiders report Barron Trump has continued his secret meetings with a Honduran asylum seeker at the US/Mexico border. First detailed in a bombshell New York Times story, Barron spent the last two months secretly escaping the White House and traveling to the San Ysidro border crossing to […]
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JUAREZ, MEXICO – When Carla Martinez decided to cross into El Paso Texas with her two children, she was seeking an opportunity for higher paying work. They packed up a backpack and filled two jugs of water and waded into the Rio Grande. In the late hours of the night, they were intercepted by six […]
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MINNEAPOLIS, MN – As the migrant caravan of Central American refugees has been grabbing headlines, a similar but much less publicized group of American migrants has quietly been making headway towards the Canadian border. The group, primarily made up of scientists, medical professionals, Constitutional lawyers, economists, and teachers, has made its way to within a […]
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ISTANBUL, TURKEY — As questions regarding the fate of international journalist Jamal Khashoggi mount, Saudi Arabia continues to deny any involvement in his disappearance. Mr. Khashoggi, who has been critical of the Saudi government, was last seen entering to Saudi Consulate in Istanbul on October 2nd to apply for a marriage license, but surveillance footage […]
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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The highest ranking non-white member of the Trump Administration has stepped down from her position as United Nations ambassador. After 19 months, Nikki Haley has resigned from her position as one of the nations top diplomats. Born Nimrata Randhawa to Sikh immigrants, Nikki Haley made every attempt to assimilate into white culture in […]
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