VATICAN CITY—During what aides initially described as a “fairly standard apocalyptic clarification,” Pope Leo XIV delivered a homily Sunday warning that the Beast of Revelation will be marked not only by seven heads and ten horns, but also by “a surprisingly aggressive social media strategy that posts at all hours, often in all caps.”
Standing beneath the frescoes of the Sistine Chapel, the Pope elaborated that while previous generations of Catholics were taught to look for signs like fire, brimstone, and multi-headed creatures rising from the sea, modern believers should also remain vigilant for “a figure of unusual hue who appears incapable of logging off.”
“Scripture tells us the Beast will deceive nations,” said Leo XIV, gesturing to a large illustrated chart labeled End Times Indicators (Now With Engagement Metrics). “But it does not explicitly rule out the possibility that he will also ratio them.”
The pontiff stopped short of naming any specific individual, though he did pause for nearly 14 seconds when referencing “a certain highly visible, orangish global figure whose pronouncements arrive in bursts, often misspelled, and frequently contradict previous prophecies issued earlier that same morning.”
Vatican officials later clarified that the Pope’s comments were “purely theological” and “not intended to suggest that any one leader who meets, say, 94% of the criteria, including the horns metaphorically represented by a rotating cast of incompetent advisors, should be considered the literal Antichrist.”
Still, the homily included several increasingly specific warnings, including that the Beast may “brand everything it touches,” “refer to itself in superlatives,” and “treat truth as a kind of optional add-on.”
Later, Leo XIV reassured the faithful there was no need to panic, noting that the true Antichrist would be unmistakable, “especially once he begins selling official End Times merchandise, which, again, could describe any number of completely unrelated figures.”
