WASHINGTON, DC — In what critics are calling a “historic failure for regional stability,” the newly announced peace agreement between Iran and the US will allow commercial oil tankers transiting the Strait of Hormuz to round up their toll payments to support local warlords in need.
Under the agreement, tanker captains paying the standard transit fee will now be prompted to select from convenient options on a touchscreen kiosk, including “Round Up to the Nearest Million Dollars,” “Sponsor a Militia Commander,” and “Fund a Regional Power Struggle.”
Officials hailed the deal as a major diplomatic achievement, noting that it successfully ended months of conflict while simultaneously ensuring that nearly everyone involved remains heavily armed.
“This is what peace looks like,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “Before, rival factions were fighting over who controlled the shipping lane. Now they’re all receiving a small percentage of every tanker that passes through it.”
The agreement comes after a costly military campaign that began with promises of restoring stability, protecting international commerce, and reducing regional tensions. Critics note that the final arrangement appears remarkably similar to paying protection money, only with additional paperwork and several billion dollars in administrative expenses.
Energy markets reacted nervously after analysts calculated that a single tanker voyage could now include fuel costs, insurance costs, security costs, toll costs, and optional charitable contributions to whichever armed faction currently has the most anti-aircraft missiles.
Administration officials nevertheless insist the deal represents a significant American victory.
“We have transformed an active conflict into a subscription service,” said Rubio. “That’s progress.”
Negotiators are reportedly celebrating the success of the agreement while carefully avoiding questions from anyone who remembered the original objectives of the war.
