AUSTIN, TX — Following the wildly successful IPO of SpaceX, which pushed his net worth beyond every other human being on Earth, Elon Musk celebrated becoming the richest person in history as well as the world’s poorest excuse for a human being.
Financial analysts estimated Musk’s wealth surged past all previous records after investors rushed to buy shares of the aerospace giant, cementing his status as the wealthiest individual ever to spend his free time arguing with anime avatars online.
“From a financial standpoint, it’s an incredible achievement,” said market strategist Brenda Collier. “From a moral standpoint, it’s like watching the origin story of a supervillain.”
The title was awarded unanimously by a panel consisting of former employees, advertisers, journalists, regulators, and his 14 children.
Witnesses reported Musk spent the morning celebrating by posting dozens of messages online, firing three employees, reinstating four conspiracy theorists, denying the Holocaust and promising to colonize Mars before fixing the customer service department of any company he currently owns.
Experts say the accomplishment highlights the growing divide between financial success and basic human decency.
“In previous generations, the richest people at least pretended to care what others thought,” explained historian Martin Keller. “Musk has pioneered a revolutionary new model where unimaginable wealth is paired with the emotional maturity of a teenager who just discovered the internet.”
At press time, Musk had responded to the criticism by posting a meme, accusing his detractors of jealousy, and announcing plans to personally exacerbate world disease and hunger immediately after finishing a six-hour argument with a random account named ‘PatriotWolf1776.’
Shares of SpaceX rose another 4 percent following the exchange.
