MENLO PARK, CA — After laying off roughly 8,000 employees in its latest round of “efficiency optimization,” Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg appeared before remaining human staff Friday to reassure them they would “likely be spared during the current harvest cycle.”
Wearing what sources described as “an unusually realistic human skin texture,” Zuckerberg addressed nervous employees during a livestream broadcast directly into their company-issued Meta Vision implants. The CEO reportedly maintained unbroken eye contact with the camera for 47 consecutive minutes while explaining that the layoffs were necessary to “reduce redundant biological functions” and “accelerate shareholder nutrient production.”
“I understand many of you are experiencing fear,” Zuckerberg stated in a voice employees described as “perfectly calm in a medically concerning way.” “But let me assure you: Meta continues to value human workers for several transitional quarters.”
According to insiders, the meeting began with a mandatory moment of gratitude for workers who had “completed their usefulness journey” before being escorted out of the building by silent autonomous security drones playing upbeat lo-fi music.
Several surviving employees admitted feeling relieved after Zuckerberg clarified that most remaining workers would not be converted into “thermal energy reserves” until at least Q4.
“It honestly helped,” said one trembling software engineer while scanning the office ceiling for cameras. “When he said, ‘Your proteins remain strategically relevant,’ morale really improved.”
Meta stock surged following the announcement, with investors applauding the company’s commitment to replacing expensive employees with AI systems capable of generating infinite engagement bait, misinformation, and emotionally devastating teenage body-image content at a fraction of the cost.
At one point during the address, Zuckerberg attempted to smile reassuringly, though witnesses said the expression appeared to load several seconds late before vanishing entirely.
The livestream concluded with the Meta CEO slowly placing a hand against the camera lens and whispering, “The transition will be painless,” before the screen faded to the company logo and a softly pulsing dial-up tone.
