WASHINGTON, D.C. — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. sparked confusion, concern, and several calls to building maintenance Monday after arriving at a Centers for Disease Control briefing carrying what witnesses described as “at least three snack-sized buckets” filled with live screwworms.
The briefing, intended to address the growing threat posed by flesh-eating parasites spreading through livestock populations, quickly derailed when Kennedy repeatedly reached into the buckets and began eating the wriggling larvae by the handful.
“These are nature’s gummy bears,” Kennedy reportedly told stunned reporters while chewing loudly into a microphone. “The pharmaceutical industry doesn’t want you to know that parasites contain all the nutrients your body needs if you simply stop listening to doctors.”
Several CDC officials attempted to continue their presentation as Kennedy emptied an entire bucket into a salad bowl and offered samples to audience members.
“We had charts. We had data,” said one exhausted epidemiologist. “Then he started ranking the worms by flavor profile and pairing them with artisanal olives.”
According to attendees, Kennedy spent nearly twenty minutes defending his dietary choices and dismissing concerns that consuming large quantities of livestock parasites might be dangerous.
“Dangerous according to whom?” he asked. “The same people who told you not to bath directly in sewage runoff?”
The briefing reached its most chaotic moment when Kennedy unveiled what he called a “National Strategic Worm Reserve,” consisting of several additional buckets stored beneath the podium.
White House officials claim Kennedy is now drafting new federal nutrition guidelines recommending that citizens consume “at least one handful of mystery larvae per day” as part of a balanced lifestyle.
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