EL PASO, TX — As the fight for Trump’s concrete US border wall intensifies, the current invisible wall has continued to quietly repel dozens of criminal pantomines attempting to illegally enter the country. Customs and border surveillance cameras have captured numerous bands of the silent invaders, dressed in striped black and white tights, met by […]
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Kavanaugh Excited to Begin Exacting Revenge on Women
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With his tumultuous confirmation behind him, newly appointed Justice Brett Kavanaugh has finally begun his transition to the Supreme Court. After weeks of allegations of sexually inappropriate behavior and protests throughout the country, Kavanaugh has said he is excited to begin work stripping women of their civil rights. Several landmark cases lie […]
Read MoreGeorgia Republicans Move Atlanta Voting Booth to Icy Mountaintop
ATLANTA, GA — In a stunning move by Georgia Republicans who continue to push false claims of voter fraud, state senators approved moving the last polling booth in a minority majority district to the peak of a previously undiscovered ice covered mountain shrouded in darkness, in the heart of Democratic stronghold Fulton county. While the […]
Read MoreReport Reveals Barr’s Loyalty Bought with Backchannel Cheeseburger Payments
WASHINGTON, DC — As questions swirl about what would cause a longtime Washington insider like Bill Barr to sacrifice his reputation for the embattled president, new details are emerging about secret White House meetings between the two men over the past 3-months. A startling new report reveals a sordid tale of a desperate president trying […]
Read MoreDevin Nunes Sues His Feelings for Hurting Him
WASHINGTON, DC — In an escalation of his legal feud with critics, Rep. Devin Nunes(R-CA) filed a lawsuit against his own feelings for “aggressively hurting him”. In recent weeks, Rep. Nunes has taken a bold stand against all entities, small and large, that made him feel bad about himself. From conspiring media companies to mean […]
Read MoreCabinet Vacancies Soar as Availability of Unskilled Workers Plummet
WASHINGTON, DC — In an ironic twist of fate, President Trump’s own immigration policy is leading to mass vacancies in his administration. After over two years in office, over 40% of the administration’s key leadership positions remain unfilled. Historically, immigrant laborers have been used to fill positions no American will take, but because of his […]
Read MoreButtigieg Promises Soda Machines and Extended Recess if Elected
SOUTH BEND, IN — Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg continues to raise the stakes in one of the most crowded candidate fields in recent history. The barely legal Mayor of South Bend has vowed to put a soda machine in every cafeteria and extend midday recess breaks by up to 15 minutes if elected. While many […]
Read MoreMeasles, Mumps, & Rubella Comeback Tour a Smashing Success
SEATTLE, WA — After decades in obscurity, measles, mumps, & rubella have reunited and returned to the smashing success they enjoyed in the early half of the 20th century. Jointly known as MMR, their unexpected reunion tour has become a viral sensation, spreading across the globe at record speed. Once known for having when they […]
Read MoreDevos Deeply Troubled by ‘Media’s Obsession with Educating Children’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Education Secretary Betsy Devos has gone on the offensive after being criticized for attempting to defund the Special Olympics and other childhood education programs earlier this week. Devos cited a ‘disturbing trend’ where media outlets appear very one-sided when reporting about the pros and cons of educating children. “You never read anything […]
Read MoreBarr Pastes Together Ransom Note Summary of Mueller Report
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Days after the much anticipated completion of the Mueller report, newly appointed Attorney General Bill Barr has released a summary of the investigation’s conclusions in the form of a hastily compiled one-page note. Representatives for the Justice Department have assured the public that every letter on the note was cut directly from […]
Read MoreClint Eastwood Directs New Film About Character and Plot From Last Three Films
LOS ANGELES, CA — In his latest film, legendary actor and director Clint Eastwood takes on subject matter he has only examined three times before in his three most recent films. A stark contrast from films made many years ago by different directors, Eastwood’s latest masterwork takes an unflinching look at the life of a […]
Read MoreFrench Police Defend Use of Braised Shallots in White Wine Reduction Gas on Protestors
PARIS, FRANCE — As clashes between protestors and French police continue, some are calling to question the suppression tactics being employed as images surface of protestors being beaten by stale baguette and dusted by weaponized pepper mills. During the recent “yellow vest” protests, multiple outlets report the use of extremely brutal tactics, by French standards, […]
Read MoreJohn Kelly’s Testicles Hung in White House Entrance as Warning to All Future Chiefs of Staff
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the rumored dismissal of one of the longest tenured and most stable members of the Trump administration draws near, many in the White House wonder what impact John Kelly’s departure will have on the presidency and who will fill his shoes. As an ominous warning to any future Chiefs of Staff […]
Read MoreGeorge and Kellyanne Conway Sex Strike Enters 627th Day
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Nearly two years have past since Republican power couple Kellyanne and George Conway began their mutually agreed upon sex strike and sources say there are no signs of an end in sight. Married in 2001, the couple has been at odds with one another since George, a prominent GOP lawyer, first vocalized […]
Read MoreGeorge H.W. Bush Grateful He Lived to See His Son Become Not the Worst President
HOUSTON, TX — As honors and memorials continue to pour in following the death of the 41st president of the United States, many insiders claim George H.W. Bush’s proudest moment came when he was certain that his son, George W. Bush, would no longer be remembered as the worst president in US history. Though it […]
Read MoreAt G20 Closing Dance, Trump Stands Alone Sipping Diet Coke
BUENOS AIRES, ARGENTINA — As the G20 Summit draws to a close, the closing dance often generates the most excitement among the leaders of the world’s twenty most powerful nations. With no scheduled meetings, dignitaries are free to mingle and chat without an agenda or time crunch while snacking on an international cultural buffet and […]
Read MoreTrump Clarifies, He Meant He Would Protect Auto Manufacturing Shrubbery
LORDSTOWN, OH — As automobile factory closures pile up in middle America, some Trump supporters are questioning the president’s claim on the campaign trail that, “If I’m elected, you won’t lose one plant, you’ll have plants coming into this country, you’re going to have jobs again, you won’t lose one plant, I promise you that.” […]
Read MoreTrump Suggests Immigrants Wear Identifying Badges
WASHINGTON, DC — As immigration continues to be a hotly debated policy issue, president Trump has signaled he may be willing to negotiate with Democrats. Yesterday, after much back and forth, Trump released a statement with his “final solution” to the ongoing talks. The White House has offered a set of guidelines that would allow […]
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