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Budget Negotiators Reach Historic Deal: Everyone Gets Less and Still Calls It a Win

Parents Told “Costume Incomplete” Until Child Summons Five Choreographed Minions from the Nether Realm

Company Holds Meeting to Discuss How to Have Fewer Meetings

BREAKING: Shohei Ohtani Tests Negative for Human DNA

Taylor Swift Rumored to Be Working on Album Entirely About Ticketmaster

Global Economists Agree: It’s Fine, We’ll Just Print More Optimism

Baseball Analytics Team Announces They’ve Officially Replaced Joy with Data

Hollywood Celebrates First Film Entirely Written, Directed, and Canceled by AI

Chris Pine Cast as Chris Pratt in Upcoming Chris Evans Biopic

X Replaces ‘Like’ Button with ‘Hate’ Button

Billionaires Race to Save Themselves From Earth

Apple Releases iLurk, the First Phone That Spies So You Don’t Have To

College Athletes Excited to Be Paid in Coupons for Their Own Jerseys

NFL Promises Safer Games by Replacing Tackles with Meaningful Eye Contact

World Leaders Proud to Set Bold New Climate Goals for Whoever Comes Next

Migrant Caravan of Intellectuals Continue Push North to Canada

Tech Industry Announces Bold New Plan to Fix Problems It Created Last Week

Congress Accidentally Solves Problem While Arguing About Who Caused It

Clint Eastwood Directs New Film About Character and Plot From Last Three Films

Climate Report: “Destruction of Earth Could Occur at Any Min–“