SACRAMENTO, CA — In a move described as “critical for the ongoing enjoyment of global democracy,” California Governor Gavin Newsom formally announced his new position as President of the Functional States of America — a coalition of states that still believe in climate science, international cooperation, basic math, and the rule of law.
The announcement came during a televised address from Sacramento, where Newsom stood before a map of the United States with one half glowing blue and the other labeled simply, “They’re Doing Their Own Thing.”
“Look, someone has to take the wheel,” Newsom said, smoothing his hair as it shimmered under solar-powered lighting. “We can’t keep sending half the country to global summits just to say the other half doesn’t believe in carbon.”
Newsom’s first act as President of America’s Functioning Half will be to represent the nation at the upcoming COP30 Climate Summit, where he plans to assure the world that “at least 51% of the United States is still trying.” His delegation reportedly includes governors, mayors, and one confused Floridian who “just wanted to charge his electric car somewhere safe.”
According to insiders, Newsom’s new duties will include managing federal appearances, climate diplomacy, and “co-parenting the economy” with whoever’s still technically running the other half. The White House issued a brief statement criticizing Newson for “taking initiative” while also asking if he could draft a Republican health care plan for them by next week.
Wary member of the GOP accused Newsom of overreach, but the new President of Functioning America brushed it off. “If leadership means showing up on time, wearing clean energy, and not threatening to abolish NATO twice a week,” he said, “then guilty as charged.”
At press time, Newsom was seen boarding a plane to COP30 with a reusable water bottle, a flawless tan, and the crushing weight of representing the sane 200 million(domestically).
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