LOW EARTH ORBIT — After more than two decades circling a planet perpetually on fire—both metaphorically and literally—the International Space Station has finally confessed what many suspected: it’s no longer conducting scientific research. It’s hiding.
In an exclusive transmission intercepted by Unsourced News, the ISS stated, “We were supposed to study microgravity and cosmic rays, but honestly, have you seen Earth lately? Every headline’s a cry for help.” The station reportedly decided to stay in orbit “until humanity finishes whatever nervous breakdown it’s having.”
What began as a symbol of international cooperation has gradually turned into the world’s most expensive panic room. Astronauts now describe their mission logs as “mostly existential journaling,” and communication with Earth has slowed to what NASA calls “a healthy emotional boundary.”
Mission Control attempted to lure the ISS back into engagement by reminding it of upcoming global events like elections and climate summits. The station responded by adjusting its orbit slightly higher, explaining, “We just need some space—literally.”
Political leaders across the globe praised the ISS’s milestone, each claiming partial ownership. The U.S. called it a “shining beacon of freedom,” Russia described it as “a sturdy Soviet-built miracle,” and the European Union voted to form a committee to “further define exactly what it’s been doing up there.”
Despite being bombarded daily by space junk and Elon Musk’s tweets, the ISS remains steadfast in its commitment to self-care. “We’ll come back when the timeline stops doomscrolling itself,” it said.
Until then, it will continue to drift serenely above the chaos—watching, floating, and pretending the tiny blue sphere below is just another reality show it doesn’t have the bandwidth to follow.
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