Top 10 Ways to Adapt to Having No Government

As the government shutdown enters its second month, some citizens may become increasingly anxious that it may never open again. To allay those nerves, we’ve created a list to help you manage those ‘no government blues’ by creating a list of things you can do to fill that government-sized hole in your heart. Below is our Top 10 Ways to Adapt to Having No Government:

Create Your Own DMV:
Set up a folding table in your driveway and charge neighbors $300 for license renewals. Bonus points if you make them wait four hours and lose their paperwork halfway through.
Print Your Own Money:
It’s just paper with numbers, right? Decorate it with cats, memes, or pictures of yourself looking presidential. Call it “freedom bucks.”
Hold Town Halls in Your Living Room:
Invite the neighborhood to debate local policy. Whoever brings the best snacks becomes mayor until sunset.
Start Your Own Postal Service:
Recruit local teens on bikes to deliver mail. They’ll lose 60% of it, but that’s still a huge improvement over the USPS.
Form a Personal Military:
Collect paintball guns, Nerf weapons, and that one guy who insists he was “almost in the Marines,” who’s been digging and pouring concrete in his backyard since you moved in. You’re now a sovereign state.
Rebrand Your HOA as a Congress:
The same endless arguing, but now you can call it democracy. Just remember to gavel dramatically when you raise trash fees.
Replace Taxes with a “Neighborhood Tip Jar”:
Tape a coffee can labeled “Infrastructure” to a light pole. Use the proceeds to fix potholes or buy margarita mix for the next emergency summit.
Develop Your Own Legal System:
Minor disputes settled by rock-paper-scissors. Major ones decided by whoever owns the biggest lawnmower.
Appoint Yourself Secretary of Everything:
Finally, you can fix the economy, foreign policy, and your Wi-Fi—all before lunch. Just remember to blame “the previous administration” when you burn dinner.
Draft a Constitution on Google Docs:
Everyone can edit, no one agrees, and the preamble gets replaced with a minion meme—but hey, that’s democracy in action.