WASHINGTON, DC — In a dramatic shift from the policy of previous administrations, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Thursday that the planet is, in fact, self-cleaning, “like a really high-end convection model with stainless steel knobs.”
At a press conference held in front of what appeared to be an active refinery, agency officials unveiled a bold new scientific framework known as Thermo-Purification Theory, which posits that the hotter the Earth gets, the cleaner it becomes.
“Have you ever cleaned your oven?” asked the agency’s completely unqualified Trump appointed Administrator Lee Zeldin, gesturing to a poster board featuring a sun wearing sunglasses. “You crank it up to 900 degrees and it just burns everything off. Same principle. More heat, fewer problems. Frankly, we should be thanking carbon.”
Under the new guidance, greenhouse gases will be reclassified as “atmospheric disinfectants,” wildfires will be labeled “forest exfoliation events,” and rising sea levels described as “coastal rinsing cycles.” Officials cited “common sense thermodynamics,” a discipline they described as “regular thermodynamics, but without the liberal bias.”
Zeldin went on to explain that pollution particles actually become “morally stronger” under extreme heat, eventually ascending into what he called “the upper atmosphere accountability zone.” Asked whether this had been peer reviewed, he clarified that it had been “podcast reviewed.”
The agency’s 87-page report includes several breakthrough findings, including:
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Ice caps are “just clutter.”
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Hurricanes are “nature’s spin cycle.”
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Smog acts as “a protective Instagram filter for the sky.”
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Droughts are “moisture discipline.”
One chart demonstrated that Earth’s temperature and the cleanliness setting on a Maytag oven both increase from left to right, which officials described as “basically identical data.”
The EPA further reassured Americans that oil spills are “temporary gloss treatments” and that coral bleaching is “aesthetic minimalism trending globally.” In a particularly well-received slide, a melting glacier was labeled “before,” and an empty fjord labeled “after (streamlined).”
Supporters within the administration praised the move as “pro-America,” arguing that previous environmental regulations unfairly assumed the planet was fragile, rather than “a rugged appliance built to handle some heat.”
Critics, however, questioned whether comparing Earth to a self-cleaning oven might oversimplify complex ecological systems.
“Look,” Zeldin responded, tapping the poster of the sunglasses sun. “When you spill something in your oven, do you panic? No. You turn up the temperature and walk away. That’s leadership.”
At press time, the agency confirmed it was exploring a follow-up study suggesting that if temperatures rise high enough, germs, pollution, and possibly certain federal regulations will simply burn off on their own.
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