WASHINGTON, DC — In a brief ceremony held beneath a banner reading “MAKE HOLIDAYS GREAT AGAIN,” President Trump officially announced that President’s Day will now be known as “President Day,” explaining that the apostrophe(and the plural) were “confusing, unnecessary, and frankly disrespectful to the concept of excellence.”
“Why are we celebrating all of them?” Trump asked reporters, gesturing vaguely toward a portrait wall that aides had quietly replaced with several larger portraits of himself. “Some were fine. Some were not so fine. But there’s really one people are thinking about. And it’s me. Everybody knows that.”
White House officials clarified that the new holiday will focus on “modern presidential achievement,” a phrase that appears to include golf tournaments, social media posts, and “historic levels of self-confidence.” The administration’s style guide has already been updated to remove possessive punctuation from all future federal observances, with “Founding Father’s Day” reportedly being shortened to “Founding Father Day (Pending Review).”
Critics argue the move diminishes the historical purpose of the holiday, traditionally meant to honor figures like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Supporters counter that the change simply reflects “market realities.”
“Brand clarity matters,” said one senior advisor. “When Americans hear ‘President,’ they shouldn’t have to do a scavenger hunt through history books.”
Retailers have already begun pivoting. Limited-edition “President Day” merchandise features a single, prominently centered portrait and the slogan “The Best One.” Sales are reportedly strong among collectors of commemorative plates and people who believe Mount Rushmore is expandable.
When asked whether future presidents would be included in the rebranded holiday, Trump shrugged. “We’ll see,” he said. “But it’s a very high bar. Very high. Almost unreachable.”
Please share our content below…
