WASHINGTON, DC — In a tragic turn of events, the HP OfficeJet Pro 6978 responsible for printing the latest batch of Epstein-related documents has reportedly “malfunctioned beyond repair” following what investigators are calling an “unprecedented and suspiciously destructive paper jam.”
According to internal IT memos obtained by Unsourced News, the printer began smoking shortly after spitting out a half-page of heavily redacted material. The final visible line read simply: “Subject was in regular contact with—” before abruptly ending in a smear of melted toner and what one technician described as “a faint gasp of .”
“Printers jam all the time,” said a government spokesperson while gently unplugging the machine and placing it into an unmarked body bag. “It’s probably nothing. Certainly not an orchestrated act of sabotage by powerful individuals who never want these documents to see daylight.”
The printer’s tragic malfunction has sparked widespread speculation online. Conspiracy theorists point to the fact that this same model had previously printed the Panama Papers, two unflattering Supreme Court memos, and one vaguely threatening HOA newsletter. “It always knew too much,” said one anonymous online whistleblower known only as LaserJet69.
Meanwhile, HP refused to comment, though their latest update notes simply read: ‘Nothing to See Here (Literally).’
A small vigil has already formed outside a local Best Buy, where mourners have left offerings of empty ink cartridges and gently used install CDs. One sign read simply: “Gone, but not deleted.”
As of press time, officials announced plans to replace the deceased printer with a “more secure” Canon model—one reportedly equipped with extra ink capacity for “redaction purposes.”
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