LONDON — Buckingham Palace confirmed today that Prince Andrew has been officially stripped of his royal title, military honors, and whatever lingering illusion of dignity he still clung to, due to his involvement in the ongoing Epstein scandal. However, sources close to the former Duke say his sense of entitlement remains “robust, well-fed, and completely untethered from reality.”
In a brief statement, the palace noted that the move was “part of a broader effort to rebrand the monarchy as slightly less awkward to explain at dinner parties.” The statement was reportedly hand-delivered to Andrew’s room at the Royal Lodge, where he was found polishing medals he’s no longer allowed to wear while muttering, “You can take the prince out of the Royal Lodge, but you can’t take the Royal Lodge out of the prince.”
Despite the demotion, Andrew’s daily routine remains unchanged. He continues to demand staff curtsy before bringing him tea, insists on being called “Your Former Highness,” and has taken to giving motivational speeches to his reflection about resilience in the face of mild accountability.
Sources say the royal family hopes this latest measure will create the impression of consequences without actually inconveniencing anyone too much. “The monarchy is committed to modern transparency,” said a spokesperson, “meaning we’ll announce punishments while quietly ensuring no one suffers.”
Public reaction has been mixed, ranging from “finally” to “wait, why does he still live in a palace down the street?” Meanwhile, Andrew reportedly plans to appeal the decision by writing a strongly worded letter, signed “Prince.”
When reached for comment, Andrew stated, “Titles come and go, but my birthright to bad decisions is forever.”
He then added that he would be “happy to serve the public in any capacity that doesn’t involve them seeing him,” before disappearing into one of the palace’s many unused rooms—still a prince, if only in his own mind.
