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Prince Andrew Stripped of Title, But Retains Sense of Entitlement

After 25 Years in Orbit, ISS Finally Admits It’s Just Trying to Avoid the News Cycle

Top 10 Ways to Adapt to Having No Government

Meteorologists Describe Hurricane Melissa McCarthy as “Loud, Unpredictable, and Full of Body Positivity”

White House Vows to Donate Ballroom’s Uneaten Hors d’Oeuvres to 42 Million Starving Americans

Google Promises New Privacy Settings Will Keep Data Safe From Everyone Except Google

Study Finds Clickbait Headlines Could Lead to the Collapse of Civilization

Democrats Concerned Fetterman Keeps Referring to Them as “You People”

Blue Jays Arrive at World Series Confident They Can Bring Home a Participation Trophy

NBA Wonders How Gambling Became Such a Problem After Partnering With Every Gambling Company on Earth

RFK Jr. Urges Americans to Only Seek Medical Advice from “Friends Who’ve Done Their Own Research”

Curator Admits Louvre Heist Could’ve Been Prevented If Alarm System Wasn’t So “Avant-Garde”

Kim Kardashian Sheds Final Human Layer, Emerges Smooth and Dishwasher Safe

“It All Happened So Fast,” Says Excavator Operator Who Spent Six Hours Methodically Leveling White House

Lifelong Friends Hold Vigil for Group Chat Destroyed by Ted’s Samsung Galaxy

Family’s Fully Loaded Aldi Cart Declared “Obscene Display of Wealth”

Experts Recommend Replacing Doomscrolling With Gentle, Nutrient-Rich Dumbscrolling Before Bed

Report: 98% of NBA Players Claim “Best Shape of My Life,” Remaining 2% Are Nikola Jokić

White House Unveils Plans for Champagne Fountain and Presidential DJ Booth

Musk Announces New Astronomy Subscription Plan: $9.99 a Month to See the Stars Satellite-Free