JUNEAU, AK — In an afternoon press briefing that biologists are already describing as “deeply unserious” and “legally actionable,” the White House defended its approval of a new 600-mile oil pipeline cutting directly through the federally protected Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, reassuring the public that the project will have “minimal impact on animals that can run fast.”
An EPA spokesman, flipping casually through what appeared to be a stack of clip-art animals, explained that federal regulators had completed a “comprehensive” environmental review consisting of “watching a few nature documentaries at 1.5x speed.” According to this assessment, species capable of sprinting, leaping, scrambling, or “otherwise booking it” will be able to easily evade the heavy machinery, trenching operations, and multi-year habitat destruction.
“We care deeply about wildlife,” the spokesman insisted while a slide behind him displayed several animals crossed out with red Xs and labeled ‘Too Slow.’ “That’s why we’ve selected a route that will be least disruptive to nature’s more athletic creatures. Fast animals will be totally fine! Look how quick they are! Slow animals, well… that’s evolution’s department, not ours. If you believe in that stuff.”
Pressed for clarification, officials admitted that several endangered species in the refuge, including the critically imperiled marsh fox, the spotted ground owl, and the mysteriously motionless bog turtle, do not, in fact, run fast. In response, the White House unveiled a new initiative encouraging slower species to “pick up the pace” through voluntary bulldozer races.
Oil companies praised the decision as “forward-thinking,” noting that earlier proposals to reroute the pipeline around the refuge were rejected for being “too respectful of nature” and “insufficiently profitable.”
Environmental groups, meanwhile, have already filed lawsuits, calling the plan “ecologically catastrophic” and “basically a high-speed obstacle course made of diesel fumes.” They also criticized the government’s use of what appears to be a newly invented wildlife category: Fast Animal Exemption.
Still, the administration maintains confidence. “We believe in America’s wildlife,” the spokesperson concluded. “And we believe that, with grit and a little hustle, they can absolutely outrun the pipeline.”
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