GENEVA — In a landmark display of future-oriented leadership, world officials this week announced a sweeping new climate accord — one that sets ambitious emissions targets for the next generation of politicians to heroically ignore.
“This agreement represents real progress,” said one delegate, proudly signing a document that calls for net-zero emissions by the year 2100, or whenever flying cars are commercially viable. “We’re sending a clear message to our grandchildren: good luck.”
The deal includes several exciting initiatives, such as a “Global Tree Planting Awareness Campaign” (no trees included), and a plan to offset emissions through “vibes-based sustainability metrics.” Leaders from major nations agreed it was vital to “act decisively,” though only after “further study,” “consultation,” and “vacation.”
Corporate sponsors praised the move, noting that renewable energy investments would increase “as soon as fossil fuels become unprofitable, or socially awkward.” One oil executive called it “a win-win for everyone — especially us.”
Environmental groups responded with cautious optimism. “It’s nice they’re thinking about the planet,” said activist Mara Solis. “Even if that planet is theoretical and located in the year 2085.”
At the summit’s close, leaders posed for photos in front of a banner reading ‘A Cleaner Tomorrow, Eventually’. When asked about enforcement mechanisms, one official smiled.
“We’ll cross that washed out bridge when we come to it.”
