WASHINGTON, D.C. — A tense hush fell over the capital today after multiple staffers reported spotting Master Shredder, a suspiciously dirty Mr. Clean, and a comically oversized Sharpie marker nervously sharing a cigarette behind the Department of Justice just moments after their promised “full and honest” 30-day Epstein file review began.
Eyewitnesses described the trio as “sweaty, jittery, and absolutely reeking of toner.” One DoJ custodian said the group seemed to be celebrating the end of an unusually strenuous night shift. “Shredder had paper confetti stuck to his cape, Mr. Clean’s magic eraser was worn down to a tiny nub, and the Sharpie… well, he looked dry. Like he’d been working hard.”
Within minutes of the sighting, rumors surged that the cartoonishly literal cleanup crew had been quietly contracted to “assist” with file preparation; an increasingly concerning euphemism given the subject matter. Congressional aides reported hearing frantic noises overnight ranging from industrial grinding to someone repeatedly muttering, “Just the Republicans, just the Republicans…”
The Department of Justice insists everything is above board, claiming the three iconic brand mascots were simply “invited to see justice in action.” But the timing raises questions, especially in light of earlier leaks suggesting that entire sections of the Epstein records appeared to be replaced with pages reading: “[REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY REASONS],” “NOTHING TO SEE HERE,” and in one instance, a childlike doodle of a thumbs-up next to the words “GOOD GUY, TRUSTWORTHY.”
Sources close to the review say that while Republicans promised a transparent investigation, the early results are “suspiciously squeaky clean.” One aide noted, “It’s weird… every GOP billionaire’s name is either erased, shredded, or crossed out so aggressively it tore through the page. At one point we found Sharpie footprints on the page.”
When reporters asked Mr. Clean directly whether he had participated in any improper sanitization, he simply smiled, winked, and buffed a nearby window so shiny that journalists were blinded as he made a quiet escape.
Meanwhile, Master Shredder was last seen jogging away with a duffel bag labeled “FOR THE SEWERS.” The Sharpie refused comment, though witnesses say he left a thick black line across the sidewalk that read, ominously: “REVIEW COMPLETE.”
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