BETHESDA, MD — In what analysts are calling “the America’s most ‘roid raging posture in a decade,” Secretary of… checks notes…War Pete Hegseth announced that the only way to ensure lasting global peace is to simply start every possible war immediately. “We can’t have wars in our future if we ensure that they’re all happening right now,” said a visibly frothing Hegseth while obliterating a Russian tank with a shoulder mounted mini-gun at a weapons fair.
According to sources, Hegseth’s plan involves simultaneous “liberation offensives” in every country whose name he can pronounce without pausing, and a few he cannot. He cited the success of “preemptive preemption”, a doctrine he claims he invented in his garage gym while watching Patton. “We’re not talking about reckless conflict,” he clarified. “We’re talking about responsible, well-timed chaos that guarantees stability by exhausting the global weapon supply.”
Military experts appeared baffled but slightly intrigued, noting that if Hegseth’s logic held, humanity might achieve peace by running out of soldiers, ammunition, or interest. Meanwhile, world leaders expressed alarm, particularly after Hegseth suggested that “even neutral nations should pick a side, preferably ours if you don’t want to be annihilated,” as he strangled a target dummy he had just decapitated with a bayonet.
When pressed about the human cost of his “War on Wars” initiative, Hegseth dismissed concerns, saying, “History shows peace treaties are just pauses between wars. Let’s skip the pauses.” He then proposed a new holiday: Global Conflict Day, during which Americans could barbecue, wear camo, and fire AR15’s into the air while aggressively threatening their friends and neighbors.
Pentagon officials have not officially commented on the plan but did confirm one thing: what exactly would be the purpose of a Secretary of War if there aren’t any wars?
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