WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a chilling turn of events that experts describe as “deeply predictable,” the ghost of former Vice President Dick Cheney has reportedly taken up permanent residence in the Pentagon, rattling chains and demanding “one more clean, efficient war — just for the nostalgia.”
Sources inside the Department of Defense say the apparition first appeared near the Hall of Heroes, muttering something about “undiscovered oil fields in the astral plane.” Security cameras captured flickering lights, cold drafts, and an unexplained PowerPoint presentation titled “Operation Eternal Freedom II: The Sequel.”
“Every night around 3 a.m., you can hear him whispering about preemptive strikes,” said one Pentagon staffer, visibly shaken. “Last week, the thermostat dropped ten degrees and suddenly the words ‘no-bid contract’ appeared in frost on the window.”
Attempts to perform an exorcism reportedly failed after Cheney’s ghost invoked executive privilege and demanded a classified séance. “He kept asking if we had any unmarked maps,” said the exorcist, trembling. “And when I told him peace talks were trending globally, he screamed, ‘Not on my watch!’ and disappeared into the situation room.”
Insiders say the spirit appears most vividly near defense budget meetings and faintly smells of fossil fuel and hubris. “He’s like a poltergeist made of lobby money,” one analyst noted. “Every time we talk about reducing spending, a printer starts spitting out missile orders.”
When asked what he hopes to accomplish, Cheney’s ghost reportedly growled, “Just one more. Something small. Maybe Luxembourg.”
The Pentagon has since established a Task Force to address the situation, though progress remains slow. “Honestly,” said one official, “we’d love to lay him to rest — but he keeps insisting rest is for the weak.”
