NEW YORK CITY — After the historic victory of Zohran Mamdani, several of New York’s wealthiest residents have announced plans to leave the city once the progressive candidate becomes mayor. The self-described “job creators” say they simply can’t live in a place where they might, under any circumstances, be expected to contribute to society.
“Now that that guy whose name I refuse to pronounce correctly has won, we’re out,” said hedge fund manager Bryce Von Something III, adjusting his $14,000 coat spun from generational nepotism. “We’ll just start buying up property and driving up prices and rents in Miami, Austin, or some other city that hasn’t figured us out yet.”
While dozens of billionaires backed efforts to defeat the working class candidate, in the end, grass roots efforts and a rebuke of Trump pushed the “Maybe The Rich Should Pay Their Share” candidate over the top.
The election sent shockwaves through country clubs, horse stables, and yacht clubs, throughout the city. “I will NOT be held accountable for the wealth I have rightfully hoarded,” said one unnamed billionaire clutching a necklace of golf ball sized pearls while weeping in the corner of her 800 sqft. walk-in closet, “All we’ve done is take and this is our reward? We take and we take and we take and we take and we never expect anything in return!”
The statement has reportedly sent waves of relief through New York’s other 99.9%, who briefly paused before cheering in unison. “Wait,” asked one subway commuter, “they can actually leave? Like, all of them? At once?”
Economists are split on the potential impact of the billionaire migration. Some warn that losing the ultra-wealthy could drastically reduce the city’s supply of tax loopholes, unoccupied penthouses, and unsolicited opinions about inflation. Others argue the departure could usher in a golden age of functional housing, public schools, and wait times shorter than 45 minutes for bagels.
Meanwhile, moving companies across the city report a sudden spike in bookings for yachts, private jets, and refrigerated trucks filled with ego. “They’re all asking if we can transport a sense of entitlement,” said one mover. “I told them that’s a carry-on.”
In response to the billionaire ultimatum, Mamdani’s campaign released a brief statement: “We wish them safe travels and sincerely hope they find a city that offers them the privacy they crave and the empathy they fear.”
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