AUSTIN, TX — In what officials are calling “a historic triumph of creative geography,” Republican lawmakers in Texas have unveiled a new congressional map that connects every registered Republican voter in the state through a single, continuous driveway.
The map, which resembles a Jackson Pollack painting put through the spin cycle, stretches 1,480 miles and weaves through 127 counties, thirty Walmart parking lots, and one unfortunate retirement community that has been “temporarily reassigned” to a district in another time zone.
“Some said we couldn’t do it,” said State GOP Chair Bill Harkins, proudly holding a yardstick like a pointer at a fourth-grade science fair. “But with determination, legal loopholes, and a complete disregard for Euclidean geometry, we made sure every conservative voice is parked in the exact same place.”
Critics have labeled the districting “The Stretch Armstrong of Democracy,” arguing that it disenfranchises millions of non-Republican voters who now find themselves represented by someone whose campaign slogan is “Keep Turning Right.”
Republicans believe the new gerrymandered district should allow them to gain up to seven congressional seats in Washington, which could give them the ability to extend to driveway to encompass the entire country. “Our genuine hope is that one day we will eventually disenfranchise anyone who doesn’t agree with us,” added Harkins.
Residents of the new district are already feeling the effects. “I used to live in a nice suburban neighborhood,” said one confused voter. “Now, apparently, I live in the same district as a guy who raises ostriches three counties over. Our town halls are on Zoom because the drive takes seven hours.”
The state’s Supreme Court briefly attempted to block the map but got lost trying to follow it. “We started in one county and ended up in a Bass Pro Shops,” admitted one justice.
Meanwhile, GOP leaders insist the design promotes “unity and efficiency.” A press release praised the map’s “natural flow of shared values and asphalt.”
As of press time, the Federal Election Commission confirmed the district’s new name: The 1st Driveway of America.
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