DENVER, CO — Details of the nation’s first-ever 50-year mortgage program were unveiled this week—complete with ritual bloodletting, a mandatory Infant Collateral Clause, and formal oversight by a state-licensed Bank Witch.
Under the new guidelines, homebuyers must arrive at closing with two forms of ID, the last four digits of their Social Security number, and a sterilized ceremonial lancet provided by the lender. The bloodletting, described in the official documentation as a “light but meaningful dribble,” must be performed over the mortgage packet while the Bank Witch chants the APR in Old Finance Tongue.
“This is about transparency,” said top federal housing official Bill Pulte , gently stirring a cauldron that appeared to contain contracts, quills, and a faintly glowing escrow orb. “For decades, borrowers have accused the mortgage process of being terrifying, confusing, and exploitative. Now those feelings are just… codified.”
The most controversial component is the Infant Collateral Clause, which requires borrowers to list a future or imaginary firstborn child as symbolic surety for long-term repayment integrity. Officials insist the clause is “purely ceremonial” and will not actually result in the repossession of infants, toddlers, or in rare cases, moody teenagers, “unless you miss a payment.”
“We’re a little nervous,” said first time homebuyer Rachael Frost as a Bank Witch mumbled incantations over her shoulder, “but we don’t really have any other options. We want to have enough space for children. Even if they’ll eventually be owned by the bank.”
Consumer advocates remain skeptical of the program. “Every time you let a lender involve babies, things get weird fast,” warned Lydia Moist, director of the Center for Responsible Lending. “Not only does this mortgage essentially amount to half a century of indentured servitude, but then they’re trying to pass on your debt to your unborn children.”
Bank Witches, a newly recognized professional category, must complete a rigorous certification process involving underwriting, cauldron maintenance, and a 12-week internship at a regional credit union. Their presence is required at all closings to ensure proper spell-casting, notarization, and debt-binding rituals.
Despite concerns, early response from the real estate market has been enthusiastic. Realtors report buyers are thrilled simply to be approved for anything in this economy, even if it requires blood, oaths, or metaphorical offspring.
Regulators expect the program to roll out nationwide next month—pending the usual curses, blessings, and final signature from the Coven of Treasury.
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