WASHINGTON, DC — The White House’s newly announced Black Friday Mega Sale has already drawn record crowds, with thousands of eager cash-rich shoppers lining up overnight in hopes of scoring deep discounts on this season’s hottest political commodities: pardons, bribes, and, while supplies last, actual cabinet seats. According to officials, this year’s sale is “our most ambitious blend of corruption and holiday cheer yet,” featuring doorbusters so bold the Secret Service reportedly asked if they should be armed.
Shoppers were greeted at dawn by staffers handing out glossy tri-fold brochures advertising everything from half-priced influence packages to a buy-two-get-one-free deal on foreign policy favors. The bribes section, traditionally the most competitive, now includes convenient pre-wrapped envelopes labeled “For Mr. President, Do Not Open Unless It’s Cash.”
But the star of the sale, as always, is the pardon aisle, where customers stood shoulder-to-shoulder, pushing carts already loaded with freedom-from-consequence bundles. This year the administration added a “Scratch-and-Sniff Immunity Ticket,” which smells faintly of cigar smoke and dirty money.
Inside, things quickly devolved into familiar holiday chaos. A man from Florida reportedly shoved six people out of the way to grab the last “Family & Friends Pardon Pack,” yelling that he’d been saving up loyalty points since 2016. Meanwhile, a group of hedge fund managers camped out in front of the “Ambassadorship Clearance Corner,” where discounted positions came with a complimentary instruction card titled How to Dress Like an Ambassador.
Economists predict the sale will provide a temporary boost to the loyalty market, though critics warn that aggressively discounting government roles may further destabilize the already fragile supply chain of competence. White House spokespeople dismissed those concerns, noting that “competence has been out of stock all year anyway.”
Still, shoppers left satisfied. One woman, clutching a marked-down ambassadorship to a country she’d never heard of, called the event “life-changing” and asked if Cyber Monday would include price cuts on regulations.
Officials confirmed yes, everything must go, including the rule of law, which will be sold “as-is, no warranty.”
Please share our content below…
