NEW YORK, NY — In a move that legal experts are calling “both unprecedented and extremely cinematic,” Judge Lewis Liman has ordered Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni to resolve their ongoing $400 million defamation dispute through a single dramatic monologue—performed outdoors, in the rain.
“The court has heard enough dialogue to fill a trilogy,” Liman said, slamming his gavel for emphasis. “At this point, only raw emotion and an a rain drenched monologue can deliver justice.”
The ruling, which cites Rule 27(b): Resolution by Climactic Soliloquy, requires each actor to perform a heartfelt speech lasting no longer than three minutes, scored live by an off-screen piano. The winner will be determined by “degree of sincerity and jury engagement.”
Production has already begun in a courthouse parking lot, where a team of union rain technicians is installing 12 industrial sprinklers and three wind machines for maximum pathos. Reporters describe the atmosphere as “part courtroom, part Nicholas Sparks ‘wet’ dream.”
Baldoni arrived in a drenched linen shirt, muttering about “truth and redemption,” while Lively was seen rehearsing lines from a stack of handwritten notes labeled Emotional Clarity (Take 5). Ryan Reynolds briefly appeared to offer moral support and a witty one-liner, then immediately began live-tweeting under the hashtag #MoistJustice.
Legal scholars are divided. Some believe the performance will mark “a new era of theatrical jurisprudence,” while others fear it has “absolutely nothing to do with justice.”
As thunder rolled and the first piano note echoed, Judge Liman leaned forward from beneath his umbrella. “Let the truth speak,” he whispered. “And make me feel.”
At press time, both actors were still crying, the audience was soaked, and the bailiff had declared it “the best rom-litigation of the decade.”
