WASHINGTON, D.C. — Officials at the Kennedy Center expressed “mild confusion and deep disappointment” this week after ticket sales plummeted for Apprentice: The Musical, a new theatrical experience in which audience members were reportedly locked inside the theater and forced to endure a three-hour, jazz-handsy retelling of Donald Trump’s rise to reality-TV infamy.
“We’re honestly shocked,” said Kennedy Center spokesperson Margaret Flume, standing outside the barricaded lobby doors. “We thought creating a truly ‘captive’ audience would increase engagement with the material. Turns out people don’t like being physically restrained while a chorus line sings about bankruptcy.”
The production, described in promotional materials as “a bold fusion of capitalism, show tunes, and Stockholm Syndrome,” features musical numbers such as You’re Fired: The Ballad of Boardroom Redemption and Ivanka, the Musical Within the Musical. Patrons, however, report a less than inspiring experience.
“I just came for the jazz series,” said one exhausted attendee, still clutching a Playbill that he was unable to unclasp. “By the second act, they were making us chant ‘Trump Tower Forever’ while confetti shaped like NDAs fell from the ceiling.”
Despite widespread criticism, Kennedy Center management remains optimistic. “We’re confident the show will find its audience—once the doors are unlocked,” Flume said. “The arts are about pushing boundaries, and restraining people until they capitulate.”
Critics have called the production “a chilling vision of democracy performed in tap shoes” and “the first musical to end with a mass evacuation.” Still, insiders say a sequel may already be in development: The Apprentice 2: You’re Re-Hired! — a three-night immersive event requiring proof of employment and a signed non-disclosure agreement upon entry.
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