LANSING, MI — A new report from the Institute for Societal Integrity in Michigan has concluded that the relentless pursuit of clicks, likes, watchbait, and rage engagement could eventually “destabilize the very fabric of human cooperation.” The study, ominously titled “Oops, You Won’t Believe What Happens Next,” claims that the brain’s dopamine response to outrage headlines is creating an arms race of stupidity that society is unequipped to survive.
Researchers say the trend began innocently enough — with articles like “10 Ways to Improve Your Morning Routine” — but quickly mutated into “You’ll Never Guess Who’s Secretly Controlling Your Toaster.” According to lead researcher Dr. Mallory Fisk, “Each time someone clicks, the collective IQ of the species drops by 0.0007 points. It doesn’t sound like much until you realize we publish around 4 million of these a day.”
The study warns of a tipping point, when humanity will be too distracted by “Top 10 Signs You’re Living Through the End Times” to notice that the end times have, in fact, arrived. Economies will crumble as productivity plummets, communication will devolve into listicles, and governments will release statements exclusively in the form of numbered slideshows.
Despite the grim outlook, media companies remain unfazed. “If civilization collapses, that’s still great engagement,” said one digital editor, adding, “We already have a headline drafted: ‘Civilization Ends—Number 5 Will Shock You!’”
The authors conclude with a modest plea: “If we can just get people to read one thoughtful article instead of a rage-bait headline, maybe we’ll make it.” Unfortunately, early data suggests most readers stopped after the phrase “Collapse of Civilization” and immediately shared it without reading further.
We should add that the researchers later confessed, “This study was entirely sponsored by media companies seeking clickbait headlines.”
