MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In an effort to bolster user empowerment, Google has unveiled a new suite of privacy settings designed to “give people full control over how we continue to monitor them.” The update, announced during a livestream that asked viewers to “click agree to keep watching,” promises unprecedented transparency — meaning users can now clearly see exactly how much of their data Google is still keeping.
“Your information has never been more secure,” said a company spokesperson, who asked not to be identified, though Google already knows who they are, where they live, and what they told Nancy about Isabelle’s ex-husband last week. “Our new Privacy Dashboard lets users decide whether they’d like their personal data used to improve products, enhance experiences, or slightly alter the course of human civilization by training AI models that will eventually cause the unraveling of the fabric of society.”
The rollout includes helpful options like “Delete My History (Just For Me)” and “Ask Me Again in 30 Days,” both of which offer the comforting illusion of autonomy. Users can also now view a map of every place they’ve been, even the ones they didn’t realize had GPS coverage.
Critics say the update doesn’t go far enough, noting that Google’s definition of privacy still involves storing every click, photo, and search query on multiple redundant servers “just in case.” Still, many users have expressed relief at the company’s honesty. “I’d rather be exploited by one tech giant I trust,” said one fan, “than several I don’t.”
At press time, Google confirmed that all user data remains fully encrypted, though the decryption key is, of course, held safely by Google. The company added that it takes privacy “very seriously,” as evidenced by its decision to keep everyone’s information in a single, convenient location: everywhere.
