WASHINGTON, DC — In his latest recommendation for preparing for cold and flu season, Secretary of Health and Human Services Director RFK Jr. urged Americans this week to “cleanse their spaces and spirits” specifically by burning a cleansing combination of sage and any printed copy of the CDC’s official recommendations.
“True wellness comes from within,” RFK Jr. explained at a press conference held beside a Himalayan salt lamp the size of a traffic cone. “Viruses thrive in fear, negativity, and government-issued pamphlets. We must rise above all three.”
The new initiative, dubbed Operation Smudge & Purge, replaces traditional flu prevention tactics like vaccines, handwashing, and science with “holistic realignment protocols” including positive thinking, turmeric misting, and full-moon exhalations. “The body knows how to heal itself,” RFK Jr. assured reporters. “Unless it doesn’t, in which case the body is simply choosing a higher frequency.”
The CDC, when asked for comment, could not be reached — possibly because their guidelines were currently on fire.
Local health departments have been instructed to replace flu shot clinics with “Aromatherapy Awareness Zones,” where citizens can exchange expired hand sanitizer for ethically sourced quartz. “We’re not anti-medicine,” clarified Secretary Kennedy, “we’re just pro-alternatives to medicine.”
Public response has been mixed. Some citizens expressed relief that the government was finally “taking health influencers seriously,” while others complained that their insurance doesn’t cover “energy maintenance.”
As flu cases continue to rise, Secretary Kennedy remains steadfast. “People forget,” he said, waving a smoldering bundle of sage through a coughing crowd, “that Western medicine is just Eastern medicine that gave up.”
The new health slogan, printed on reusable hemp tote bags, reads: “Stay grounded. Stay glowing. Stay contagious — but only energetically.”
