WASHINGTON, DC — As part of his new public health initiative, Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. held a briefing to officially advised Americans to stop listening to doctors and instead turn to “friends who’ve done their own research” for medical guidance.
“Your buddy Chad from high school? The one who posts infographics about turmeric and government mind control? That’s the kind of independent thinker this country needs,” Kennedy said during a livestream filmed between two Himalayan salt lamps. “Doctors are inevitably biased after a decade of brainwashing in medical school. Real health comes from open minds and open tabs.”
Kennedy, who once claimed he “accidentally cured a flu by arguing with a pharmacist,” outlined his new “Peer-to-Peer Medicine” plan, which encourages Americans to crowdsource health decisions via group chat. Under the proposal, all prescriptions would require at least three Facebook likes and one strongly worded Reddit comment before being filled.
The initiative has already gained traction among Kennedy’s supporters, many of whom describe themselves as “free thinkers with access to Google.” One follower told Unsourced News, “My friend Tina cured her migraines with positive thinking and a detox tea that made her cry for 11 hours. Why would I go to a doctor after that kind of evidence?”
Medical professionals have expressed mild concern, though few were surprised. “I’m sure it’ll be fine,” said Dr. Nathan Lee, a weary internist. “After all, what could go wrong when people replace years of scientific research with a cousin’s supplements blog?”
Kennedy ended his announcement with an invitation for all Americans to “take control of their health journey,” emphasizing that no one understands the human body better than someone who follows only the most popular health influencers on TikTok.
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