PORTLAND, OR — After the shocking allegations of insider betting that one could have predicted — except literally everyone — the NBA is struggling to understand how gambling became such a widespread issue after partnering with what experts are calling “every gambling company that exists, plus a few that were just ideas on napkins.”
League commissioner Adam Silver addressed reporters Thursday while standing behind a podium shaped like a slot machine. “We take these allegations very seriously,” Silver said, surrounded by 47 DraftKings banners. “It’s unclear how our players became exposed to betting culture when it’s mentioned fewer than 14 times per quarter and printed directly on the court.”
Insiders say the league’s confusion runs deep. “We thought constant exposure would build discipline,” one marketing executive explained. “Like how if you live next to a bakery, eventually you stop eating bread. Right?”
Players, meanwhile, claim they were simply swept up in the atmosphere. “It’s hard not to,” said one anonymous guard in a ‘BET NOW’ jersey. “I hit a three-pointer, and the Jumbotron is urging everyone in the arena to place bets on whether I make the next one. They aren’t even watching the game, they’re just watching the live odds.”
Even fans admit it’s getting hard to tell where basketball ends and betting begins. “Last night I tried to check the box score and accidentally lost next month’s rent money,” said one fan, staring at his phone.
Despite growing concerns, the league remains optimistic. “We’re committed to investigating this issue thoroughly,” Silver assured, announcing a new partnership with FanDuel to sponsor the upcoming Gambling Awareness Month. “Our goal is simple — make basketball safe again, one responsibly branded wager at a time.”
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