Breaking News:
Wednesday, Nov 20, 2024
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A shocking new 2,000-page climate report commissioned by the White House was released this week detailing the effects of climate change on the US economy. Unfortunately, the report appeared to be unfinished with the last few pages incinerated by volcanic ash before scientists could complete it. Since these missing pages contained the […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — Supreme Court hand puppet Clarence Thomas has been hospitalized to remove his wife Ginni Thomas’ elbow deep forearm from his anus. Though the Thomas family and doctors have declined to explain how her hand got up there, observers have long speculated that Ginny used this opening to control and prop up the […]
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QUEENS, NEW YORK — After the shuttering of McDonald’s restaurants in Russia due to the country’s invasion of Ukraine, president Vladimir Putin has made a desperate plea to other fast food chains to fill Russia’s empty food courts and bus stations. While this plea fell on mostly deaf ears, Queens-based McDowell’s burgers has answered the call.
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IRVING TEXAS — As gas prices continue to soar, even executives at major oil companies are starting to feel the pinch. Reports have surfaced that executives at Exxon-Mobil, Chevron, and Shell are opting to heat their homes by burning briefcases full of cash instead of heating oil. “People are starting to blame us for the […]
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IRPIN, UKRAINE — After multiple days of shelling, airstrikes, and cyber-warfare, Russian forces have managed to surround a 24-hour gas station on the outskirts of Kyiv and are demanding that the attendant hand over all snacks, fuel, hand-warmers, candy and maps within the store.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — Two weeks into his unprovoked invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin’s forces remain plagued by logistical problems as they slog towards the Ukrainian capital of Kyiv. Initially hoping for a swift victory with minimal resistance, Putin is reportedly furious with the slow progress and fierce defense stymying his forces.
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MOSCOW, RUSSIA — At a contentious press conference this morning, Russian dictator Vladimir Putin reminded reporters that the sole purpose of his invasion of the Ukraine was to ‘liberate them from their freedom’. He repeated his claims that Ukrainians were Russians and that the population was grateful that he had sent in the Russia military.
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WASHINGTON, DC — What started as rumors whispered between interns in the Russell Senate Office Building, have turned into a full on haunting after repeated ghost sightings in the Senate elevator. Several insiders claim staffers are on edge after numerous reports of a ghostly, corpse-like figure floating through the halls of the historic government building. […]
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MENLO PARK, CA – In the midst of a slew of crises, Facebook has officially changed its name in an attempt to rebrand itself due to the increased scrutiny of its public image. At the conference Facebook revealed its new name to be “Company with No Relation to Mark Zuckerberg”, which many see as a way of distancing itself from its embattled CEO Mark Zuckerberg who still runs and owns a voting majority in the company.
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LONDON, ENGLAND — Shortly after the arrest of a hobo-like Julian Assange, the Wikileaks founder’s cat has requested extradition from the Ecuadorian Embassy in London. Mr. Assange and his cat, Pee Pee Leaks, had been squatting in a small room in the embassy since 2012 after being granted asylum by the then Ecuadorian president Rafael […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — After much heated debate, construction has finally begun on an impenetrable wall of ignorance that will soon enshroud the Republican party. Once complete, party members say they will be safe from ideas of liberty, civil rights, social justice, and truth. Although the penetration of such concepts have slowed to a mere trickle […]
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MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google’s army of working robots was unfazed by the 20,000 person walkout staged by employees protesting the company’s handling of sexual harassment cases. This marked the first walkout at the Silicon Valley tech giant and surprisingly caused little to no disruption to their worldwide services. “Our robots are designed to be […]
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HOUSTON, TEXAS — After the recent Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe v Wade, and the continued passage of laws meant to subjugate women in Texas, Oklahoma, Florida and, Kentucky, many female residents are simply moving to neighboring states that still allow them to maintain autonomy over their bodies. At first celebrating the exodus, many […]
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ATLANTA, GA — In a stunning move by Georgia Republicans who continue to push false claims of voter fraud, state senators approved moving the last polling booth in a minority majority district to the peak of a previously undiscovered ice covered mountain shrouded in darkness, in the heart of Democratic stronghold Fulton county. While the […]
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WASHINGTON, DC – Doubling down on their assertion that the “Boos” heard during last night’s telecast of the World Series were not meant to insult the President, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham claims many of the 41,000 in attendance at Nationals Park were simply making ghostly sounds in honor of Halloween. Immediately after the […]
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GILROY, CA — As disturbing images of the mass shooting at the Gilroy Garlic Festival circulate social media, Republican leadership is demanding an investigation into the link between garlic consumption and gun violence. After a gunman opened fire at the annual event, killing 3 and injuring 12, many in the GOP are questioning what role […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — In a surprise move that pushed the limits of his cover, Russian operative Mitkh Mikkonilov was able to single-handedly defeat two election security bills that were brought before the Senate. Familiarly known by his cover identity, Mitch McConnell, Mikkonilov has quietly climbed the political ranks to become the Senate Majority Leader. During […]
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LONDON, UK — Newly appointed UK Prime Minster Boris Johnson has already begun work on a plan to explain why he was unable to oversee a successful Brexit. While many in Parliament had hoped the father of Brexit would come with a detailed solution to the complexities of leaving the EU, Johnson instead ordered his […]
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WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump has demanded that this years Fourth of July celebration include military tanks crushing protestors who stand in their path. What started as a “non-partisan” parade to celebrate America, has quickly turned into a day to pay tribute to a president with sagging approval ratings. Many in Washington were opposed to […]
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