Breaking News:
Sunday, Nov 24, 2024
Today, in a nationally televised display of bravado and impotence, President Trump declared opioids, “an emergency, and I am saying, officially, right now, it is an emergency. It’s a national emergency,” Whether he was lying or just confused is unclear, but White House officials later clarified that he had meant to say “public health emergency”. […]
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Today, the Trump administration announced the president would not visit the Korean Demilitarized Zone(DMZ) on his upcoming trip to Asia, citing sudden bone spur inflammation. The bone spurs have plagued Trump for decades, preventing him from confronting danger for most of his life. Traditionally, US presidents have visited the DMZ as a symbolic gesture of […]
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A recent Goldman Sachs analysis has found that not a single billionaire would end up a trillionaire if the Trump administration’s new proposed tax cut is approved. Billionaires across the country are outraged with the analysis and said they intend to fight it to their last billion. “We are honest folk who just want what’s […]
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A recent New York Times article uncovered a $32 million payment made in 2016 by former Fox News anchor Bill O’Reilly to settle a misunderstanding with a female coworker. This was the 6th known misunderstanding payment made by O’Reilly or Fox News on his behalf. Allegations made against O’Reilly have ranged from the women misunderstanding […]
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A series of healthcare policies and a leaked memo have revealed the Trump administrations plan to end sex for pleasure by women. While the administration encourages the harassment and/or assault of women and the use of erectile medications, the question arises: who will they harass and have old man sex with? The White House is […]
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Today, the White House kicked of the holiday season with its first inaugural baby eating competition. Although the unusual event has sparked controversy, president Trump shrugged off critics and proceeded with the contest at his Mar-a-Lago resort. Trump addressed the crowd before the starting bell, “No matter what I do, the fake news will always […]
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In a bold address at an anti-LGBT event, president Trump stated his intention to end the long held persecution of Christmas. He affirmed that American’s will once again be able to openly declare “Merry Christmas!” without fear of government reprisal. The improvised speech was originally meant to discuss tax reform and promote Nazi values, but […]
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After days of anticipation, Apple finally revealed its latest mobile device, the iLurk. This new “data acquisition device” comes on the heels of sagging sales for the iPhone 8 and appears almost exactly the same to the untrained observer. But on the inside is a complex sensor array that is able to observe the user […]
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In a surprise appointment, President Trump introduced disgraced entertainment mogul Harvey Weinstein as the new head of the White House Council on Women and Girls. Although some may question Mr. Weinstein’s qualifications for a position, others feel his carnal knowledge of some of the most influential women in the world may prove him to be […]
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Due to the increased scrutiny over their email scandal, First Daughter Ivanka Trump and her husband Jared Kushner have begun searching for a fall guy should the investigation escalate. Through a lifetime of impunity, the couple has a well established procedure for avoiding accountability. Scapegoat interviews suggest they may have accepted that both denials and […]
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Last night, several internet sleuths discovered the Wikipedia entry of former President Barack Obama had mysteriously vanished from the online encyclopedia’s archive. At 5:35am, a user named “Trump45wins” logged into the community edited database and erased all information about the former president. This comes just days after Obama’s presidential portrait was defaced in the West […]
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After facing growing criticism for his extended silence following the death of four American servicemen in Niger, President Trump finally issued a statement from the White House lawn. Although he has remained highly engaged with Twitter battles, it has been eight days since a platoon of elite Green Berets were ambushed by ISIS affiliated fighters […]
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Despite the ban on imported goods from North Korea, evidence suggests China continues to import large quantities of seafood from the rogue nation. North Korea currently earns $300 million a year from their seafood trade with China, and Trump led sanctions seem to have had little effect. “You can’t get crabs anywhere close to the size […]
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Over the past week, Hollywood studios have seen a remarkable drop in the number of ugly, fat, lecherous men seeking positions as executive producers. Normally the most aggressive group of applicants, studios worry they will not be able to greenlight future projects if unable to fill the critical position. Some speculate that the sudden drop […]
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In a surprising break from long held agency protocol, EPA head Scott Pruitt issued an arrest warrant for 90’s eco-hero Captain Planet. Although the circumstances surrounding the warrant have yet to be disclosed, Pruitt publicly declared Planet a “threat to American and current EPA policy.” Planet helmed a wildly popular children’s show in the 90’s […]
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MENDOCINO, CA — Under heavy criticism for tweeting while the world literally burns, Trump made an unscheduled trip to central California to visit victims of the worst wildfires in decades. Ten lives have already been lost as thousands of residents have been forced to flee their homes to escape the aggressive blaze which has already […]
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After losing their capital of Raqqa, ISIS made a surprising declaration of victory in the the most effective terrorist campaign of the modern era. As governments across the world sit on the edge of collapse, the terrorist organization claims it has succeeded in its goal to destabilize western democracy. “I think we did an excellent […]
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Amid public outcry, Amazon was forced to remove a supremacist Halloween costume from their online store. Sales of the item had been lagging because of confusion over the contents of the package. The 5-piece set came with the modern Nazi uniform of khaki pleated pants, a red MAGA hat, a white collared shirt, a backyard […]
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Vice President Mike Pence left many morning java lovers shocked when he stormed out of an LA Starbucks earlier today. After slamming the door, a barista noticed he had left his tall vanilla bean, extra milk, extra white, decaf behind. “We accidentally just gave him black coffee,” admitted the barista. “At first I thought it […]
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