Saying ‘Merry Christmas’ No Longer Punishable By Death

In a bold address at an anti-LGBT event, president Trump stated his intention to end the long held persecution of Christmas. He affirmed that American’s will once again be able to openly declare “Merry Christmas!” without fear of government reprisal.

The improvised speech was originally meant to discuss tax reform and promote Nazi values, but Trump veered off topic to the  controversial topic of Christmas celebrations. Trump has always been a vocal advocate of liberating Christmas revelers and ending what he calls the “War on Christmas”.

For many years, Americans have been secretly cutting down trees and stashing them in their living rooms under cover of night. Government officials have also long suspected underground networks of smugglers who continue to wrap and share gifts every 25th of December.

“Every now and then you see a sock next to a chimney or a tree with a candy cane on it, and you know someone’s up to something,” said FBI special agent Dawson Williams.

Although Christmas has not been officially outlawed, Trump claims the PC establishment has pushed the holiday to the brink of extinction. But now he is striking back.

“You’re going to be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again, OK? You’re going to say ‘Merry Christmas.’…They don’t have ‘Merry Christmas.’ They don’t have ‘Merry Christmas.’…I want them to say: ‘Merry Christmas, everybody.’ Happy New Year, Happy holidays, but I want ‘Merry Christmas.’ We’re going to say it again. It’s happening already,” is literally what Trump said in the speech about tax reform.

Trump also wants to change the name of the pre-holiday shopping season to White Friday.