After losing their capital of Raqqa, ISIS made a surprising declaration of victory in the the most effective terrorist campaign of the modern era. As governments across the world sit on the edge of collapse, the terrorist organization claims it has succeeded in its goal to destabilize western democracy.
“I think we did an excellent job if you consider what we’re working with.” ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said through a translator, “Everyone is giving the Russians all the credit, but it all started with Islamic terror groups.”
Over the past 24 months, the terrorist movement has gone viral. “We’ve kinda shifted our focus away from guns and beheadings,” al-Baghdadi continued, “Now we’re just a couple guys sitting in a cave, on a Dell with a 24400 baud modem. Our job mainly consists of releasing statements claiming responsibility for the latest mass killing and trolling Facebook. But we can barely keep up.”
But ISIS is not finished. “Even though we are declaring victory today, we’re gonna keep up the fight in online chat rooms.” said ISIS lead blogger Abu Mohammad al-Julani, “It’s really going so much better than we ever could have imagined. Trump is exceeding expectations on all fronts.”
The group has flourished due to the number of civilian casualties since Trump became President. In his first seven months in office, more civilians have died from allied bombings than in the previous four years combined.
“Every time a civilian dies, we get bombarded, pun intended, with requests to join. But we can’t accommodate the demand.” al-Baghdadi complained, “So we tell them to go stab someone in Europe and we’ll fire off an email. Let’s face it, a stabbing scares a few people, but when it’s an ISIS branded stabbing, that’s when people really start turning on each other.”
When asked about the groups plans for the future, al-Baghdadi replied, “The US is terrorizing itself, but there’s still a lot of work to do in Europe. We estimate two or three more truck rampages and Germany, France and the UK will descend into chaos.”
Al-Baghdadi added, “It used to be begging for money, cutting off heads, running for your life, raping women, raising more money. Now it’s just copy, paste, send it to Fox News, and watch the world burn.”