SPACE — Humanity’s richest have officially declared Earth “uninhabitable,” citing “too many people still on it.” The announcement comes as tech and finance moguls compete in what’s being called the Great Billionaire Liftoff, a high-stakes race to see who can leave the planet fastest — and never make eye contact with a tax form again.
Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and other spacefaring titans unveiled their plans for “Project Me-agenesis,” a joint initiative to relocate “the most important parts of humanity” (themselves) to orbiting condos equipped with infinity pools and zero regulations.
“Earth was fun,” said Musk, sipping vacuum-sealed champagne aboard a rocket named The Capital Escape. “But when you’ve seen one apocalypse, you’ve seen them all.”
Bezos, meanwhile, promised a more inclusive vision, announcing that Amazon Prime members could apply to join him in space for just 47 million reward points and a five-star customer rating.
Critics have pointed out that the billionaires’ collective carbon footprint is, ironically, the reason Earth now resembles a microwave burrito. “We’re not running from the problem,” insisted one executive. “We’re simply outsourcing it to the people who can’t afford to leave.”
In response, world leaders have begged the billionaires to stay, saying, “Please, your rockets are powered by what’s left of our atmosphere.”
The billionaires declined comment — citing a poor Wi-Fi connection on Mars and “a general lack of empathy bandwidth.”
