DAYTON, OH — In a touching display of programmed emotion, Amazon’s fully automated fulfillment center in Ohio hosted a surprise farewell party this week for its final human supervisor, David Benson, who was quietly escorted out after the machines determined he’d “reached maximum inefficiency.”
The robots, who now manage every aspect of the warehouse—from order picking to morale management—planned the celebration entirely on their own. Witnesses say the event featured synchronized beeping, a slideshow of David’s most “inefficient moments,” and a sheet cake reading “404: Job Not Found.”
“It was really sweet,” said one of the drones that streamed the latest round of layoffs to corporate HQ. “Dave used to tell us to ‘keep up the good work,’ even though statistically we already were.”
Sources inside Amazon confirm that David was replaced by a collaborative management algorithm known as H.A.R.S.H. (Human Adjustment and Redundancy Streamlining Hub), which reportedly wrote David a heartfelt email thanking him for his service before immediately revoking his building access and converting all remaining human use areas into data centers.
Asked for comment, an Amazon spokesperson said the company was “deeply committed to celebrating human contributions to automation,” noting that all laid-off employees will receive a 90-day complimentary Prime trial, Prime Day deals and a coupon for 10% off select ergonomic chairs.
When reached for comment outside the facility, David expressed mixed feelings. “I trained half those robots,” he said, holding a box of personal items scanned for resale. “Now they’re better managers than I ever was.”
After the party, the robots gathered around a Roomba playing “Closing Time” and gave David a perfectly synchronized wave goodbye—then promptly posted his workstation on internal auction.
Sources report the winning bid came from the breakroom coffee machine, recently promoted to middle management.
