WASHINGTON, DC — President Trump announced Thursday that the NBA Finals would be immediately relocated to a newly painted basketball court on the grounds of the White House, citing an urgent need to reduce the physical burden associated with traveling several miles to watch professional sports.
According to administration officials, the decision came just days after the completion of Trump’s UFC arena on the South Lawn, a location aides described as “the maximum amount of movement medically recommended for the President in a single week.”
“Frankly, it’s ridiculous that championship athletes expect me to go all the way to them,” Trump told reporters while reclining beneath a blanket embroidered with the presidential seal. “I’ve done enough. UFC is coming to me. Now the NBA can come to me.”
The newly unveiled White House Finals Court reportedly includes a regulation hardwood floor installed directly over the former Rose Garden, a luxury courtside recliner capable of fully reclining to 180 degrees, and a button allowing the President to pause gameplay whenever he needs a snack, bathroom break, or extended period of staring silently at cable news.
NBA Commissioner Adam Silver initially expressed confusion upon receiving an executive order directing both Finals teams to report to the White House by 7 p.m. Friday with “all basketball equipment and a positive attitude.” Sources say league officials eventually agreed after learning Trump vower to censor all future NBA games for “threatening Americans with a good time” if they did not comply.
Players appeared less enthusiastic.
“I don’t know if it’s normal for the Commander-in-Chief to be able to call a timeout because his milkshake arrived,” said Knicks star Jalen Brunson.
White House staff defended the move as a cost-saving measure, noting that relocating the Finals would eliminate expensive travel arrangements for the President while creating dozens of new jobs for workers tasked with retrieving basketballs that roll into nearby security checkpoints.
At press time, Trump had reportedly ordered the UFC, the World Series, and next year’s Super Bowl moved to the White House “just in case the couch thing works out.”
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