MAR-A-LAGO, FL — President Trump today announced that this year’s State of the Union will feature an ambitious departure from tradition: absolutely no mention of the state, the union, or any recognizable policy matter. Instead, viewers can expect a 197-minute odyssey through wind turbines, dishwashers with low water pressure, election theft, hamburgers, a golfer he once met in 1987, and a detailed retelling of an argument he had with a portrait in the hallway.
“People are tired of hearing about inflation, jobs, or geopolitics,” Trump explained to reporters while gesturing at a laminated map of nowhere in particular. “They want the real issues. Like how nobody talks about how quiet electric sharks would be. Think about it.”
According to insiders, the speech will be divided into several thematic arcs, including “Airports During the Revolutionary War: A Clarification,” “The Science of Household Chemicals,” and an extended meditation on why magnets “don’t get enough credit.” One senior staffer confirmed that a full 12 minutes are devoted to recounting the time he aced a cognitive test, though sources say the length may fluctuate depending on how inspired he feels describing the elephant.
Members of Congress have reportedly been advised to stretch beforehand and pack trail mix. C-SPAN has prepared a split-screen feature labeled “Topic” and “Somehow Still Talking,” while fact-checkers are simply planning to stare into the middle distance.
Political analysts predict the address will set a new record for applause lines that do not correspond to complete sentences. At one rehearsal, Trump reportedly pivoted from trade deficits to complaining that microphones “only amplify the fake parts.”.”
Asked whether the speech would address pressing national concerns, Trump shot back. “Absolutely. I’ll press them right out of the conversation.”
At least half of the union, sources confirm, will not be in attendance.
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