GREENLAND — Declaring that Greenland was “suffering from advanced-stage freedom,” President Trump announced Sunday that he has dispatched a U.S. Navy hospital ship to the Arctic territory to “treat and reverse the symptoms of democracy before it spreads.”
According to the president, Greenland’s condition was discovered after “very smart people, maybe the smartest,” informed him that the island was experiencing dangerously high levels of self-governance, publicly funded healthcare, and functional civic institutions. “When you see that much voting and that many people covered by healthcare, you know something’s wrong,” Trump explained. “It’s not natural. It’s not American.”
The hospital ship, reportedly stocked with industrial-strength bleach, Ivermectin, and several vats of raw milk, will anchor just off the icy coast. White House officials say doctors aboard the vessel specialize in treating social cohesion, low medical bankruptcy rates, and surpluses of public trust.
Sources close to the administration say the mission is purely humanitarian. “We’re not invading,” one aide clarified. “We’re just offering them the choice to remove choice.” The aide confirmed that patients will be screened for symptoms such as believing in collective responsibility, participating in elections without drama, and expecting government services to function.
Trump described the treatment plan in clinical terms. Step one involves a mild injection of culture war. Step two introduces a carefully calibrated dose of privatization. In extreme cases, doctors may recommend a full transplant, replacing local democratic norms with what the president called “a strong, beautiful, very decisive system where one guy just handles it.”
Greenlandic residents, many of whom were reportedly unaware they were ill, have expressed confusion about the move. “We feel fine,” one local shrugged while standing in front of a well-funded public hospital. White House medical staff, however, insist that freedom can be asymptomatic in its early stages.
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