VATICAN, ITALY — Secretary of State Marco Rubio was reportedly caught late Thursday wearing a poorly fitted nun’s habit while attempting to quietly merge into a Vatican tour group “with the subtlety of a man fleeing a collapsing empire.”
According to eyewitnesses, Rubio had spent most of his official visit nervously scanning his phone, muttering phrases like “please don’t make me go back,” before emerging from a side hallway dressed in full clerical robes, chanting and carrying “a completely unnecessary candle.”
“He kept insisting his name was Sister Marco,” said one Vatican guard. “But he was still wearing loafers, an Apple Watch, and a US flag pin.”
The failed escape attempt allegedly occurred shortly after Rubio’s private meeting with Pope Leo XIV, during which sources say the senator repeatedly asked increasingly specific questions about permanent sanctuary, monastic vows, and whether the Vatican was able to sprinkle exorcisms on french fries.
“He seemed less interested in theology and more interested in geographical distance from Washington,” one Church official said. “At one point he asked if the Swiss Guard ever needed ‘a quiet guy who keeps his head down.’”
Witnesses say Rubio’s disguise began unraveling when he accidentally referred to one cardinal as “Mr. Your Eminence Sir” before attempting to blend into a procession by humming what several attendees identified as the theme from The West Wing.
The senator was ultimately intercepted near a delivery entrance after allegedly trying to barter access to classified US intelligence in exchange for “just six peaceful months of silence.”
Rubio later denied the incident, telling reporters he was merely “exploring faith” and that the duffel bag labeled “Emergency Relocation Kit” was “being taken completely out of context.”
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