SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a groundbreaking announcement, leading tech companies unveiled a new coalition this week dedicated to “addressing the unintended consequences of our last five innovations,” most of which were released less than a month ago.
The coalition, called “Tech for Tomorrow (Until Friday)”, vows to repair issues caused by AI that writes conspiracy theories, self-driving cars that follow influencers, and smart fridges that gaslight users about their milk levels.
“Our mission is simple,” said spokesperson Clarissa Ng. “We want to build ethical technology that empowers people — right after we finish pushing this mandatory software update that breaks your phone’s battery life.”
The group’s first initiative is an AI-powered chatbot designed to apologize on behalf of other AIs. It reportedly begins every statement with, ‘We hear your concerns,’ then immediately forwards your data to an ad partner.
Meanwhile, social media giants pledged to “fight misinformation” by launching new AI filters trained exclusively on misinformation. “It’s like fighting fire with fire,” said one developer. “Except the fire is learning.”
Tech critics applauded the effort but noted that the same companies once promised that the metaverse would “replace reality” and then quietly canceled it like a bad Netflix show.
When asked how long the fixes might take, Ng smiled. “We’re confident that by the time humanity fully adapts to our latest product, we’ll be in desperate need of another update.”
