WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move officials are calling “a bold reimagining of democracy’s floor plan,” the federal government confirmed Thursday that the White House has been demolished to make way for The Golden Dome at Pennsylvania Avenue, a lavish, gold-plated wedding and event venue estimated to cost over $8 billion.
The 220,000-square-foot structure—complete with Swarovski chandeliers, a heart-shaped reflecting pool, champagne fountains, and a retractable roof for drone fireworks—will be “a place where the nation’s most rich and powerful nepo-babies can unite in holy matrimony or brand partnership,” according to the project’s press release.
Supporters have praised the project as a “job creator and Instagram milestone.” One event planner called it “the most meaningful thing to happen to the White House since they demolished it 20 minutes ago.” Meanwhile, critics argue the project represents the “final collapse of American taste,” noting that the venue’s ballroom walls are lined with digital screens looping Trump product placements and crypto commercials.
Government officials have reassured taxpayers that the venue will pay for itself through “exclusive access fees” and “platinum-tier patriot memberships,” which allow citizens to view the exterior once a year. “This is the people’s palace,” said the project’s spokesperson, “but, you know, for people who can afford to pay palace level initiation fees.”
The National Archives has confirmed that historic White House artifacts will be preserved—inside the venue’s VIP cigar lounge, but The Resolute Desk has reportedly been converted into a DJ booth.
While some lament the loss of the iconic symbol of democracy, others are already planning destination weddings. “It’s not every day you get to say ‘I do’ on the ruins of history,” said one influencer bride-to-be.
Tickets for the public unveiling—titled Freedom, but Fabulous—are already sold out, with resale prices reaching $12,000 per seat.
