NEW YORK, NY — With the NBA season officially underway, a league-wide report has revealed that an astonishing 98% of players are entering training camp in “the best shape of their lives,” while the remaining 2% are, once again, Nikola Jokić.
According to the data, nearly every player claims to have “added muscle,” “locked in mentally,” and “cut down on distractions,” though most refused to elaborate on whether that included late-night Call of Duty. “I feel great,” said Warriors Guard Steph Curry during media day. “My body fat’s down, my handles are tighter, and my therapist says I’m finally ready to admit I don’t like basketball.”
Meanwhile, reigning Finals MVP Nikola Jokić admitted he spent the offseason focusing on “horse-betting, beer, and not thinking about basketball.” Despite this, coaches confirmed he remains the league’s most efficient player.
“Jokić reported to camp in what we call Jokić shape,” said a Denver Nuggets staffer. “It’s a mysterious level of conditioning that involves zero visible muscle tone yet infinite stamina. Our training doesn’t fully understand it, but I guess it makes their job easy?”
Players across the league reportedly dread playing against Jokić’s effortless dominance. “I trained with endurance coaches all summer,” said one opposing center. “Then he jogged past me like he was on his way to the deli and still dropped 38.”
Analysts note this is Jokić’s sixth consecutive year without any muscle tone. “He’s a walking paradox,” said ESPN’s Brian Windhorst. “Every August, he’s riding an overburdened horse through Serbia, and every October, he’s casually redefining the physics of basketball.”
As the season begins, fans eagerly await to see how long the 98% maintain their peak condition — and how long it takes for Jokić to ruin all their hard work.
